So far a pleasant Saturday. We slept until 11 (well, we were awake periodically between 7 and 9:30, but then Chancey finally calmed down and we slept some more). Then we watched an EXCELLENT UT football game. Then I went grocery shopping and bought mostly pretty decent food (I'm trying!). I compensated by having lunch from Jack n' the Box. I have plenty of stuff to do, but Mark is in the living room yammering away to his mom on the phone and I can't concentrate. Besides, I know the minute I start doing something on the computer he will come and kick me off. The NSP app is due Tuesday, so I really can't say anything.
Yesterday I did something incredibly brave. I wrote a long long overdue email to Jenny and Natalie apologizing for being such a horrible housemate and horrible friend the summer and fall we lived together. I really was umitigatedly awful. I did everything I wouldn't want done to me--I was melodramatic, I was nasty, I ignored them except when I expected them to be there for me, I was on the phone ALL the time...I was just terrible. And it's been something for which I have tried to lay the blame on them for far too long. I've owed them an apology for over two years now.
I have no idea if my apology will be excepted, or if we will be able to pick up some kind of friendship again. I don't know if I would be interested in a relationship with me if I were in either of their position--I think I would question my motives. But I'm going to hope for the best until I hear back from one or both of them.
What is interesting is what finally convinced me to write this email that I had been periodically thinking about forever. Friendster. Yes, the Internet friends/dating service. Erica sent me an invitation to join a while ago, then I got one from Simon the other day, so then I signed up and saw that quite a few people I know (including Natalie and Jenny) are on there. So that got me to thinking about having friends spread out to the four winds (Natalie being in L.A. and Jenny being in Chicago now) and how I really have done some horrible things to my friends. First I was just thinking about how sad it is to grow apart from people and all that, but somehow, sometime yesterday afternoon, I got honest with myself and realized that Natalie and Jenny and I didn't "grow apart"--I forced them away and they were totally legitimate in ditching my ass.
One thing I appreciate about myself as I get older is my increased ability to admit when I'm wrong. Now if I could just stop fucking up in the first place...