I dreamt about Emily's mom last night. I have no idea what she looks like (though I think I have seen a picture at some point), so she had the face of the mom in Pieces of April. I dreamed that I put my hands on her and willed her to live, like Shaedra talks about with her "raiki" or whatever it is. I had some miraculous healing power in the dream, apparently. And I was doing everything I could to make her get better. I woke up with a wet face and a feeling of complete uselessness. There is nothing I can do. Even normal, day-to-day stuff to help Brooke and Emily out would be great, but what the fuck do you do from 1000 miles away? As usual, I wish I were capable of prayer. Though I don't know if God is a help or a hindrance with real grief, I think s/he would certainly be helpful with "sending good thoughts." Sending just my own, unamplified, seems woefully insufficient.
My house is very cold, but my tea is very hot, so it all works out.
Got lucky on a book-buying spree at the Goodwill today. I picked up a multicultural family book for Susan and Tony, Backlash, Susan Brownmiller's rape book, Amy Tan's newest book, and Molly Ivans' book about the Clinton years. That, along with Janet Frame's autobiography (I have to remember to get that from Susan before I leave) should keep me busy while I'm home.
My sense of excitement about going home is pretty repressed now. I'm honestly terrified that my mom is having surgery and that I have to be there and see her through it and stuff. Have to is the wrong way of putting that...I want to, I'm just scared of the responsibility. But at least I have a place to stay in Portland worked out (thanks Sarah!) and hopefully I will be able to make a stock-up swing by Trader Joe's. Wonder if Mark would be mad if a stock-up from Trader Joe's is all he got for Christmas? I'm sort of out of ideas.
I need to get the relaxation packs put together. I meant to make some yoga cards for them, but I don't know if I have the energy now. I wonder how much laminating costs at Kinkos?
Obviously I'm just rambling. Mmm, more stream of conciousness blogging.
I really want to be able to help Emily and her mom. I can't stop thinking about it.