Today was distinctly better. I think I was just grouchy last night. These are my people, as far away from them as my life gets, I am still grounded by them.
I took a walk "into town" today. Six miles, took about an hour and a half. It was really nice to do and I was really proud of myself at the end. My feet and legs don't seem too sore, either, though that might change tomorrow. I am eating like a giant pig here, which needs to stop (but won't, I'm afraid). There is junkfood everywhere, and the way people cook here for meals isn't exactly diet-friendly. Oh well. If I can hold steady until I get home, I'll be happy. No use trying to actually lose while I'm here--it's just not going to happen (unless maybe I find time to take that six mile walk every day...)
My mom is really really miserable. She's been worse every time I see her for ages now, but you can tell she's really at the end of her rope right now. And she's up to 3 or 4 pain pills a day, which can't be good for her. She says she is in pain and depressed and she doesn't know how much longer she can take it. I don't know what that means. I guess it means that this surgery better fucking do something. It's so unfair to see someone as great as my mom in so much pain. And it makes me feel guilty for not being here to take care of things. I don't think George helps around the house as much as he should. He does some, but Jesus, she can barely walk. She shouldn't be doing laundry and cleaning and making dinner and all that crap. Not that I think she'd stop even if someone else were here to do it, but still. I'm trying to do as much as I possibly can while I am here...and hopefully by the time I leave she'll be feeling better (though that's really unlikely, as it will take her six weeks or so to recover fully from the surgery). I hate seeing her like this. It's really aging her, too, which is sad, especially since she's really so young.
This is really odd to admit (and I hope Mark still doesn't read this), but being here makes me want to get married and maybe even have a baby sometime. I love my family, and I love that they are my family. And I love my family with Mark and Chancey as well. I want them to be...connected more, I guess. I long for something more "official." Which is really really strange, because I am completely politically opposed to getting married and I have absolutely no plans to do so. I was daydreaming today, though, about telling my mom she was going to be a grandmother.
It's in the air down here, I swear. I have to get away quick!
I saw Sadie today and she knew my name. She's only just started talking in the past few months, but she recognized me. Amazing, considering she hasn't seen me since August. She's a beautiful, bright, tempermental little girl. She looks just like Randi, but I think she acts more like me. Apparently she's prone to tantrum-throwing. :) I hope I get to see a fit before I leave. Proud to have passed that particular legacy on.
The wood heat is drying out my skin, chapping my lips, and making me sneeze. It's nice to listen to the fire crackle, though, and to stand in front of it until my ass gets so hot I have to go bury it in the couch. There are always good things about being home.
Tomorrow I think I'll have some solitude. Mom and George will be at work and Mitch is going fishing, so I'm just going to hang out and make Christmas cookies and watch TV and read. I hope this Janet Frame book speeds up a bit--her childhood doesn't interest me as much as it could, and I'm finding her a little bit unaccessible (inaccessible? INXSable?) I'm sure it will be more interesting once she gets to the mental hospital, though.
Speaking of, I think I will get under my covers and read a few more chapters. One thing about the wood heat--my bedrooom, as always, is ice fucking cold. I don't know how I stood it here when I was growing up with the door shut. I sleep with the door open when I am here now. Fuck privacy, I want warmth!!