Having given some more thought to my Bennifer Breakup Disappointment, I think it is about fairy tales. In my adult life, Hollywood suffices for fairy tales, make believe, too much of the time. And given that it's supposed to be "too good to be true" it is sad that the relationships never work out. So when a couple for whom I actually have some positive feeling breaks up, it makes me question whether or not I believe in fairy tales.
If that makes any sense, which, now that I write it down, it doesn't.
To further humiliate myself, I will admit that I hope Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are very happy as well.
Moving on, today was a really good day. It was rainy and gray and my head hurts a lot still, but it was still really nice. Hung out at home, had an excellent and ass-kicking workout--all in all, good stuff.
I think it is going to be possible for me to go to Washington in April for the March for Choice, which makes me really happy. I knew I wanted to go, but I didn't think it would be fiscally possible. The North Texas PP, however, is giving scholarships to full-time students so we can go for only $75, and that pays for airfare and two nights in a hotel. SWEET!! So as long as my application gets there before all the slots are full, which it should, I think, I should be in. So all I have to figure out is how to get from here to Dallas and back for the flight (and I'm sure there will be carpools for that). So that's exciting. I think it will be a really re-energizing feminist experience. Or at least I'm hoping so, because I could really fucking use one of those sometime soon.
The Phoenix really does drain me. I really want it to realize its full potential, but my hope of that actually happening gets slimmer with every ridiculous in-fight. And nobody is immune, you know? It's not just people I don't like who are tempted to get in their jabs, is folks I really do like as well (and I'm certainly not above a low blow or two myself, to be fair in taking my part of the blame). I don't know why we like to shit on each other, but for some reason we do, and that really disturbs me. Is it just that this is how women in our society are taught to treat each other? Is this what happens in all frustrated progressive circles (I'm thinking of the New Left infighting now, or the gender problems and other problems in the Civil Rights Movement)? Or is it a problem with online communication in general, and none of us would do this in real life? I don't know what to blame it on, but I know it exhausts and depresses me, and some days, like today, I feel better if I just stay away (which is an abdication of responsibility that makes me feel guilty, but whatever, you can't win 'em all).
I'm beginning to worry myself a little bit with the diet/weight loss thing. I don't want to be turning into a calorie counter who sucks the joy out of food, you know? It shouldn't be a point of personal pride to me that I am down 9 pounds, because those are just numbers on a scale, and it shouldn't be a point of pride either that I burned 1000 more calories than I consumed today. I should be focusing on how I feel (which is actually pretty damn good, but I think that is due almost entirely to working out and has very little to do with food restriction), not what my numbers are. But it is harder every day to divorce my feelings from the numbers, and I think more and more about how I can get the numbers lower, what foods I can sneak out (for instance, it's amazing what limiting all beverages to water or tea will do for your calorie count)...I don't know. It seems unhealthy to me even from my internal vantage point, so I can't imagine it looks good to others.
And the bottom line is that yeah, I want to be in better shape and not have back problems like my mom and all that, but basically I'm fucking vain and I don't want to be fat. This all boils down to me not wanting to be fat. And that makes me feel like ass. So what if I am fat? Why should that matter to me? Why is my self-worth so connected to my body? Haven't I learned anything?
Apparently not.
But the chances I am going to quit thinking about it that way seem slim, so I just have to moderate myself as much as I can. Focus as much as possible on excercise and as little as possible on calories. And I have to promise myself that when I reach the goal weight, or when I reach the deadline, whichever comes first, then I am going to STOP counting calories. Because I am so fucking obsessive about entering every mouthful in to the website, and I know that can be a bad behavior.
Really I'm not worried about developing an eating disorder or anything dramatic like that. Rather, I just don't want to get any more fucking vain and self-indulgent.
Funny that I am blogging about not wanting to be so self-indulgent! As if this blog is ANYTHING but self-indulgence...