So I have alluded a few times to my massive stress level of late. Well, I just spent all fucking weekend reading, writing, and worrying, and things have reached a pretty critical point.
I have too much shit to do and not enough time to do it in nor energy to do it. Looking at my calendar for the next two weeks makes my stomach hurt. I only managed to write nine not-very-good pages this weekend, and I have 50ish to go in the next two weeks, plus two finals and countless other crap. Things look bad.
I don't know how this is happening now. My undergrad was fucking intense. It was way, way more work than grad school. And I survived it. And I don't remember more than a couple of times I felt this hopeless at the end of the semester. Maybe I just forget too easily. Mark says this happened every semester. Maybe I'm just getting too fucking old for this shit.
Or maybe it's the fact that I've been sick all fucking semester and I have the worst allergies of my life in this hellhole and the Claritin I am taking every fucking day is doing fuck-all to stop it. Maybe it's that I have a house and a dog and a relationship now, and I feel like they deserve my attention too, so I can't dedicate myself soley to school the way I could in undergrad.
Whatever it is, it's running me down, and scenarios that include "take an incomplete" are running through my head more often than they ought to. I've never, in my entire life, turned something in late. The idea of starting now is just more than I can fucking bear. One of the reasons I came here (albeit a minor one) is that I thought it would be a walk in the park compared to what I went through in undergrad. This isn't about academia, it's about certification. To be defeated at this point, to turn something in late, or take an incomplete...It would be a fucking humiliation. School is supposed to be what I'm good at, for God's sake.
You know what's pissing me off the most right now? Feeling that I'm being stupid by pouring this all out in a blog entry, because I know I am opening myself up to ridicule from some of the nastier elements of the internet, who prey on weaknesses people display in their blogs like bleached blonde, Ugg-wearing vultures. Well dig right in. And fuck you in advance.