Frog wrote an excellent post yesterday about "owning" all of the parts of yourself, even when other people (and perhaps you yourself) find them to be in opposition to one another. This is something I have been thinking about too. Part of it is reconciling my bisexuality for myself, since I seem to have to defend it to others all the goddamn time, but it goes deeper than that. There are a lot of things about me that seem...contradictory, I guess. And even if they don't seem that way to other people, or other people aren't aware of them, they seem that way to me, which may be more important.
I'm trying to think of an example that I would feel comfortable sharing here, but nothing is coming to mind. Most of the stuff is dumb anyway, and would seem trite if I were to actually publicize it. Or it's just too freaking embarrassing to live up to at the moment. My political views are pretty well aligned--I'm even getting kind of environmentalist in my old age. It's nothing so simple as to say "I'm a Christian Anarchist" or whatever. It's more personal stuff. It's how I interact with people. On one hand, I am insolent, uptight and generally unfriendly. I have an extremely difficult time making friends and people often just plain don't like me. On the other hand, the people I like, I fucking worship. And I make a real effort to treat them well. But that effort doesn't come without a price, because I often fear that what I see as "nice" or "generous" or "thoughtful" others might see as needy and pathetic. Which makes me insecure. Which makes me want to not bother.
It is very very important to me that the people I love know how much I love them, and I try to tell them as much as I can and in as many ways as I can. But I wonder sometimes if my methods are all wrong? And when I get caught up in wondering that, I forget so show the people I love how much I love them, and then it is all a moot point anyway.
Basically, I want to be secure enough to not care how my love comes off. I want to be secure enough to make a phone call, send a letter, even give a hug. I want to be secure enough to give presents that are never returned or even acknowledged and not take it as a personal affront. I want to not care if I seem to give other people more than they give me. In fact, I WANT to give other people more than they give me.
But on the flip side, I don't want to be walked on. I want to mean as much to the people in my life as they mean to me. And I don't know how to assure myself of that. They have to do that for me, and I don't know how to tell them I need it.
I guess it's not a small thing to ask to be able to love without reservation. In fact, it might be one of the biggest things I've ever asked for. But I think it's a noble goal all the same, and I'll see what I can do.
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In only slightly related matters, The Phoenix had me beating my head against the wall again today. I'm not impartial. I'm controlling. I play favorites. And on and on it goes. But you know what? I really TRY to be impartial and not play favorites. However, I have history with folks, and there is no way people who I trust aren't going to get the benefit of the doubt. I want to be fair, but I am not going to go out of my way to chastize my friends when they haven't done anything wrong just to prove nobody's the teacher's pet!
The whole thing makes me so goddamn angry I could scream. I put hours and hours per week into that space. Susan and I created it out of love, out of community. And more often than not, it seems, our faces (and especially my face) are spit in for it! I feel like I am supposed to be responsible without being in charge, and that just doens't fucking work. Yes, it is a community and yes, I want all members to be comfortable, but I am not going to lay down and be called a bitch just because someone needs to take their aggression out. I love the community, but not enough to be its fucking punching bag.
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In not-even-slightly-related news, I seem to be on a cleaning/organization binge. I made Mark help me with housecleaning this morning, and he actually ended up doing the bulk of it, which is excellent. I have been organizing like a madwoman since then, though. I wonder what it is in us that makes organization so appealing? I love lists, charts, things put into order. I guess it's pretty obvious that it's a control thing, huh? But is that necessarily bad?