Yesterday I sat at a lunch table with men who first said disparaging things about another bisexual woman, then about bisexual people in general. It was not the first time these kinds of comments had been made in my presence by these men. I sat there, feeling smaller and smaller, but I stayed silent. My silence still rings in my ears. It deafens me.
There is no way I would have sat there and let them say things like that about lesbians, or about women of color. Why is it that on this issue I find myself mute? Why is it that when the injured party is someone else, I have lots of words, but when it's me, I don't know what I could possibly say? Is it my own internalized biphobia, hatred of myself and what I am, feeling like I am not worth standing up for? Or is it fear of outing myself among these new colleagues, who I don't know yet and I don't know how to approach with the subject of my own bisexuality (or even if approaching it is a good idea)? Or is it perhaps that I can hear, ringing in their jokes, the same things I have been listening to about bisexuals from lovers, friends, family, and just about everybody else for years, and I am so tired of trying to argue the point with people that I otherwise find agreeable? Am I tired and lazy, or am I scared?