First, go here and read the last two posts (amazing) and the comments (infuriating). That is where I am coming from with this, and Narly writes about it way, way more effectively than I am going to be able to.
Now back to me.
I am bisexual. I am in a long-term partnership with a man. I have had relationships, including sexual relationships, with women, but not many and not recently. I am open about my bisexuality to my friends, etc., but I am not out to my family. Not being out to my family, particularly my mom, is one of the most painful things in my life, and probably the most painful part of my relationship with her. My mom and I are tight, and I feel like I am lying to her, which I don't like at all. But she has made disparaging comments about bisexuals in my presence for years (not lesbians or homosexuals, just bisexuals) and I don't have the guts (or something) to come out to her.
For me, being bisexual is more than a sexuality (and it's certainly more than a hypothetical sexuality!). My outlook, my politics, my spirituality, are all, in some ways, bi. What I mean is that bisexuality makes sense to me--basing who I love, or who I love in a certain way, on gender doesn't compute in my mind. Being bisexual is really basic to me. I don't think about it much in terms of choice, although I definitely think that on some level it is a concious choice. Mostly, it's deeper than that. Having it questioned does a weird number on me--it's as if someone is questioning my sex or the language I speak or something else that is simply a fact about me.
Which is why it burns me up to no end to see someone else going through one of my biggest fears (coming out as bi to her mom) and have it met with "what difference does it make". If one of your core identities is kept hidden from your closest relative for years and suddenly it comes to light, that's a big damn deal! And it doesn't matter in the least if it's something that is currently being "acted upon" or the rest of that garbage! It's not about what you are doing, it's about who you are. Why is that so hard to understand? And how is it that folks honestly believe it's OK to question someone else' identity like that, especially when it is already under attack?
Anyway, I guess my point is that I'm with you, Narly, and you are in my thoughts.