I had no intention of having such a long blog hiatus. Things just got away from me there for awhile. I am back now, though. Really.
The end of 2004 and beginning of 2005 have been good to me. Christmas with my family was the most pleasant and least stressful on record (it's amazing how much easier it gets to ignore them as I get older). New Year's was wonderfully low-key (dinner with S&T and the glorious babe, then curled up on the couch with Mark, watching various home deocrating shows). All in all, I have to think hard to find anything at all to complain about.
I have my usual host of New Year's resolutions percolating in my head (eat healthier, get back to the gym, save all spare money for the house). I don't feel all that encouraged, though. The bottom line is that I have very little in the way of self-discipline or self-control, especially over longish time periods if I don't see instant results, and all three of those resolutions require both. Ug.
There are other resolutions, too, though. Like going to the damn doctor and getting things I should have taken care of a long time ago done (allergy tests, antidepressants that don't kill my sex drive). I feel a bit more optimistic about those--shorter time frame.
The weight thing has become an issue. I mean, it's been becoming an issue for awhile, obviously, but I am up to 200 lbs now, and I'm not comfortable in this skin. There is a distinct roll of belly fat that did not used to be there, and the backs of my thighs make me cringe. I still feel beautiful, but I feel like I'm failing myself, because I know this body comes from no excercise and terrible eating habits. And yet I do nothing to change it, and feel almost paralyzed at the thought of trying. Twice now I have done well at starting to get my eating and exercise together--each time lasting about three months before I fall completely off the wagon, undo any good I've done, and get even worse. I just feel like trying again will set me up to fail again. Shit that's depressing.
Dammit. I didn't mean for this entry to go in that direction. Really, I'm doing fabulously well. Back to work tomorrow, but I'm really not even dreading that. I feel good about 2005.
I hope you do, too.