(First off, the title for this post is taken from the title of Christine Stansell's brilliant book. You should read it.)
It has taken me several years to figure out exactly what was meant by leading a "woman-centered" life. In earlier years, I found the term not only confusing, but also insulting--as if it implied that by choosing to have men present in my life, I was less of a feminist.
I think I'm starting to get it now. Lately, I just don't want to surround myself with men. Or, more precisely, I don't want men taking up the time and space in my life that I'd rather devote to women. I'm irritated by working with so many men. I'm irritated by seeing so many men wherever I go. I want space and time with just women; space and time without feeling like I am constantly being summed up, judged, and then dismissed.
I know women aren't perfect. I have known quite a number of women that I just plain do not like. But that isn't what this is about. This is about wanting to surround myself with other members of my gender, take part in the rituals of my gender. I want to listen to women's music, read women's books, listen to other women talk about their lives. I am fucking sick and tired of men's lives! I've spent 25 years hearing about men--I know enough about men. I am oversaturated with living in a man's world, and I want to live in a woman's world for awhile.
Partially, I think the problem is my job. It's been a long time since I have worked with men, and I don't think I've ever worked with this many. The best job I ever had (in terms of working conditions and coworkers, not in terms of pay or responsibilities) was in an all-woman office (if you still read this, hi Sarah!). The job I had after that was in a large office, but there were a core group of female admin staff that hung pretty close. Those women are a great example, actually. I had so little in common with most of them--class, education, age, religion were all very far apart--but I connected with them on the basis of being a woman. I cherish the experience. Finally, the last job I had before this one was once again in all-female (or at least vast majority female) office. Once again, I felt safe. Even if I didn't like all of the women there, I felt a certain security in knowing they were women (and made a very good friend there, as well--bonus!). Here, though, I work on a majority male team, have mostly male work friends, and am surrounded every day by a world that is undeniably male-driven. For the most part, they are perfectly good guys. But they are guys. And they don't get it. They will shut up when I tell them they are being sexist, but they won't actually think about why it is I am objecting.
Part of it about being tired of being an educator. Mark tries so hard, and bless him for that, but he's still a man, and he still reeks of male privledge. I still have to point things out to him, and even if he is generally very open to having things pointed out, sometimes you just get tired of having to explain it, you know?
None of this is to say that I am going to quit my job, or leave my relationship. It's just to say that I could really, really use some woman-only space, both in terms of a retreat from my usual life, and in terms of an ongoing oasis in my day-to-day life. But where does a straight-by-default girl find that space? If it isn't at work and it isn't at home, where should I look for it?
Comments (11)
We have to create it, unfortunately.
I hate everything that caters to men- advertisements mainly. I am not a freakin man and I don't care what a man wants. They just don't get it and they learn to just shut up around me-- never really that they are assholes.
Posted by Anonymous | February 22, 2005 5:01 PM
friends. women friendly/created movies and books. i also wonder if you can redecorate your living space so it's more woman friendly. prettier colors, fluffiness. i know that's more stereotypically feminine but i can't come up with a better term. like, i've never allowed any electronics, tv or stereo, in my room ever. i know that's not woman centered per se, but it removes a lot of the focus from male created tv shows and music. like, i only have (woman authored) books and (woman created) pictures in my room which i think puts a lot more focus on creativity and whatnot. again, i hate the idea that woman = creative and man = technological, but i've always felt that my apartment was more ... whatever, than josh's.
Posted by wyzardess | February 22, 2005 7:38 PM
You're still going to the Great Michigan Meetup, aren't you? Some great women there - not just women but feminists and people you already know. If you knew how envious I am....
Posted by Suezboo | February 24, 2005 12:12 PM
One thing I have never understood is why some women feel out of place or uncomfortable or whatever when surrounded by men. OK, clearly if they are being pigs that's one thing, but a normal day in a normal office? What gives? I don't get why the fact that they are men makes any difference at all. I don't feel I have to explain anything to the men around me in any given conversation. Even when I am in discussions about relationships and jealously and male-female relations, I don't feel like I have to explain things because I'm a woman. I express my opinions, I don't feel the need to speak for my gender. And they certainly never try to speak for theirs.
Perhaps this is the problem then. If you feel that you are constantly a representative of WOMEN then you never get to just be yourself. That seems supremely anti-feminist to me. The men and the women I work with are individuals, their gender is no more central to my dealings with them than their race or nationality. Isn't that what its supposed to be about? Shouldn't our goal as women who seek improvement in society not to try to create separate little havens, but to live in the whole world comfortably.
Posted by wiley and elusive | February 24, 2005 12:25 PM
Apparently we work with vastly different men, Kate. I like the guys I work with, for the most part, but at least one of them says something wildly inappropriate/offensive nearly every day. I feel that I have to either sit by and listen to it (perpetuating sexism), or be a constant teacher. They don't mean to be pigs, but they are pigs all the same. Given their socialization, how could it be otherwise?
Posted by Grace | February 24, 2005 1:16 PM
I totally agree with what kate said. I guess I don't see why being with a male or female would generally make any difference. Now being with someone who is sexist or not, yes I see how that could be a difference, but I guess I don't conflate those two categories.
Posted by triumphantly, jenny | February 24, 2005 1:31 PM
What kind of sexist comments do you get everyday. Mayhap we have different definitions. I talk with the guys in my lab aboutall kinds of stuff, and they say things that I completely disagree with, but rarely does it cross from being contrary to what i believe into being actually sexist, atleast in my opinion. More often than not they are more down on themselves and other men than sexist towards me.
Posted by wiley and elusive | February 24, 2005 1:54 PM
I found a women's professional organization in this city a while back. It didn't really help me network much, but I loved going to the conferences with all women. It was totally invigorating, even though I worked with about 50/50 men at the time. Maybe there's something like that in your field, if you haven't already found it?
Posted by Ms. Polkadot | February 24, 2005 6:28 PM
www.michfest.com
Seriously, how many times have lesbians on BBs you frequent talked about this? And you're still unsure where to find women-only space? What's the deal?
And I'm not being snarky, or I'm trying to convey that I don't want to be snarky. But I'm seriously asking. Women-only space exists. It's not some pie-in-the-sky dream. And you *know* about it, because the lesbians all around you have talked about it. Did you just not notice? Did you think it didn't apply to you? Does it seem unreal to you?
I'm just wondering, because this is the second post you made about wanting women-only space.
Posted by Char | February 25, 2005 6:16 PM
I would LOVE to go to Mich Fest, Char, and I am seriously considering trying to get there this year. It's not that. What I am searching for is more women-only space in my everyday life, not as an weeklong exception. And I have been looking for it, with mixed results. The women's bookstore here? Men. Ani show? Men (though it was closer). Lesbian club? Just a gay bar with a girls' night. That's what I'm finding so frustrating.
That being said, I am making some progress. I am really looking forwad to my upcoming weekend in A2 as being wonderful all-women time. My (female) best friend and I have set up a weekly date where we go to a movie, do something, just hang out, whatever--just the two of us. So there is hope.
Posted by Grace | February 26, 2005 6:49 PM
Well, hopefully I will see you at MichFest this year. I think you will be surpised by what it feels like, if you make it.
For me, it doesn't feel like a "week long exception" to the rest of my life, rather it feels like a natural continuation of the life I've created for myself -- although more so. If that makes sense. It's my life in concentrated form, maybe?
In that vein, I think there might be some relevant differences for you between seeking a more woman-centered life and seeking women-only spaces.
In any event, I think eventually we all seek what we really value. I think this is just part of your process of doing that.
Posted by Char | March 1, 2005 10:34 AM