What if No One's Watching?

(This is from Frog.)

If I were a month, I would be: September
If I were a day of the week, I would be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I would be: late afternoon
If I were a planet, I would be: Mars
If I were a sea animal, I would be: blue whale
If I were a direction, I would be: West
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: futon
If I were a sin, I would be: gluttony
If I were a liquid, I would be: Pepsi
If I were a body of water, I would be: Pacific Ocean
If I were a stone, I would be: amber
If I were a tree, I would be: Douglas Fir
If I were a bird, I would be: crow
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: iris
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: summer rain
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: upright bass
If I were an animal, I would be: elephant
If I were a color, I would be: true red
If I were an emotion, I would be: anxiety
If I were a vegetable, I would be: peas
If I were a sound, I would be: a ticking clock
If I were an element, I would be: silver
If I were a car, I would be: Volvo station wagon
If I were a song, I would be: �Me and Bobby McGee�
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Penny Marshall
If I were a book, I would be written by: Raymond Carver
If I were a food, I would be: popcorn
If I were a place, I would be: Oregon
If I were a material, I would be: cotton
If I were a taste, I would be: bittersweet
If I were a scent, I would be: grapefruit
If I were a word, I would be: candid
If I were an object, I would be: some sort of organizational contraption
If I were a body part, I would be: small of the back
If I were a facial expression, I would be: puzzled
If I were a subject in school, I would be: American History
If I were a dog, I would be: Rottweiler
If I were a cat, I would be: gray tabby
If I were a number, I would be: 18