All in all, I'm a fan of me. Really, I am. I think I'm smart, funny, have a good heart. Some days I think I'm attractive, though those are fewer and farther between than they used to be.
But in spite of that, I can never quite believe anybody actually likes me. I remember lying awake a night when I was a first-year in high school, wondering if the senior guy I was dating actually liked me, or if it was all some sort of cruel joke. When Mark and I finally got together, it took me more than a year to believe him when he said he loved me. And it's not just with men--I'm even worse with girlfriends. Nearly every time I have ever invited any woman to do anything with me, I've wondered if she only accepted out of politeness, and is trying to think of a way to get out of it. Or, at best, if she was only agreeing because she had absolutely nothing better to do. This has been happening since I was a little girl, and I am fucking sick and tired of it.
What is worse is that I get insanely jealous of other women's friendships. If someone I consider a friend seems to like someone else more than she likes me, I get totally green with envy and very defensive and passive-aggressive. If there is a club I'd like to be a member of and I'm not asked to join, my reaction is immature and I am unreasonably hurt (as I have shown in this space before, I'm afraid).
There is absolutely no reason I should not believe that I am worthy of friends. I'm a good friend! I listen, I care, I give great presents. But instead of this problem getting better with age, it is getting worse. More and more I've shuttered myself away in my house, alone, not because I don't want to see people, but because I don't believe that they really want to see me. More than anything, that is why I didn't make a single friend last year at school. I couldn't put myself out on that limb.
Another reason it is particularly ridiculous for me to feel this way is that I have GREAT friends, and I've never had any reason to suspect they don't actually like me. But I still do. I have trouble calling or emailing the woman who has been my best friend for more than 10 years, because every time I do, I'm afraid she'll have something better to do and not want to talk. If I don't hear from her for a while, I think it's because she has finally decided to be rid of me. Similarly, I'm afraid to ask the woman who I am good friends with here to do anything, lest she only say yes out of good manners and not a real desire to hang out. My worst fear is that someone is spending time with me who doesn't want to be.
How do you fight this problem? I mean, I am intellectually certain that it is completely ridiculous, and yet every single time I make plans with other women, no matter how excited I am about those plans, I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that it is a farce and they are just pretending to like me until they can figure out a way to get rid of me. And then I want to go right back to holing up in my house alone.
Does anyone else have this issue? I mean, I think a lot of us have it as children, but at 25 shouldn't I be confident and secure enough in myself to get over this?
Comments (11)
I have the same problem, Grace. It totally sucks and I wish I knew what to tell you to do about it.
Fortunately, my closest friend is good about telling me pretty darn regularly that she's not going anywhere. That helps.
Posted by frog | February 21, 2005 9:46 PM
Yes, yes, and yes. I wish I had something to offer that would help, except for some of my extra Wellbutrin :) But I don't... maybe we need to start a club where we all sit around complimenting each other until we start believing it.
Posted by Sass | February 21, 2005 10:05 PM
Me too.
One thing that helped was that a friend of mine who lives on the other side of the state said "whenever you're thinking about calling me, know that I'm thinking about calling you."
I dont know why exactly I am able to believe that, but not other things. But there it is.
Posted by Jess | February 21, 2005 11:56 PM
Sass, may I join your club? I'm really good at building up other people, but have a bit of difficulty believing the positive things I tell myself. I turned 35 last month. I finally filed for divorce this month after 16 years of marriage to someone who was never meant to be more than a friend (trust me, that makes for a difficult marriage). Problem is, he's also my only friend. I've got a little trust issue, since my parents haven't accepted my way of thinking since I was a small child (they're in a fundamental religion - I'm a freethinking, feminist type). Anyway, they kept me isolated from the "evil" world and I can't seem to move into real friendships. Guess I've taken up enough space.
Posted by Diana | February 22, 2005 8:24 AM
I wish I could help y'all--there seem to be some trust issues going on here! The only thing I can suggest is to follow the fears to their heart, i.e., ask yourself what's the worst that could happen in a given situation. Are you afraid someone is not going to be there for you in some way? You could also do some cognitive behavioral interventions on yourself. What's your evidence for your fears?
I'd also suggest that, in some cases, this inability to trust one's senses has some roots in dealing with someone who has some kind of addiction (or other cause of erratic behavior), especially a parent. That is, one must simultaneously gauge the other person's state of mind even as one denies that the other person's is incapacitated, drunk, unreasonable, whatever. That may not be the case with any of you, of course, I'm just throwing it out there.
Good luck to you, in any case.
Posted by Emma Goldman | February 22, 2005 10:50 AM
Me? Addicted parent? Whatever would make you think that!?
Seriously, thanks for the empathy, y'all. It helps just to know that other people feel this way as well.
Posted by Grace | February 22, 2005 10:55 AM
Actually, if you DO have an addicted parent, i had absolutely no clue (except from the post . . .)--I hope I didn't step on a toe, there!
Posted by Emma Goldman | February 22, 2005 12:51 PM
Not at all. I thought it was funny. My dad's an alcoholic. I'm pretty much over it.
Posted by Grace | February 22, 2005 1:28 PM
That IS funny! I guess working w/ junkies & alcoholics (recovering; in my last job) taught me a few things!
Posted by Emma Goldman | February 22, 2005 3:37 PM
Just wanted to chime in with another 'you're not alone!'
Hang in there. I know it sucks.
(btw I love your Ramona the Brave pic. She was my hero when I was little :)
Posted by Ruenil | February 23, 2005 3:40 PM
Sweetie, the only thing that stops me from begging you to spend more time with me is that I feel like you're in hiding mode right now. But hell, Friday's my last day at the job I quit over 4 months ago, and you owe me a drink! Pay up! Since you're sick of guys, I promise to leave C-Man out of it. :)
Posted by Skye | February 23, 2005 5:08 PM