It's easy, after we end relationships and move on, to forget what was so great to begin with. It is especially easy when our current partners have no love lost for our former ones, or when the relationship ended badly. It's a shame this is so easy, I think, because we'd all do well to remember the joys as well as we remember the slights. It's something I will work on, should I ever be in another ended relationship (easy to say right now, huh?)
My college boyfriend, S., is a perfect example. We've been broken up for like...five(?) years now, and I've spent most of that time all kinds of bitter. And I have every earthly right to be--he cheated, among other things. I spent three+ years of my life dedicated to someone who has no capacity for that kind of dedication. It was a disappointment. I think the thing that had me the most bitter, after it was all over, was not even losing him, or losing the self-respect that he cost me, but it was losing that much time.
But that's not the point. The point is that there were good things, too. In fact, there were lots of good things. The night that he and I got together, in October of (gulp) 1997, sticks in my mind as a good memory. And no matter what happened after, the memory remains, and it doesn't do anyone justice for me to change it in my mind because of what happened after.
My friend M. (the very same M. whom I have mentioned here ad nauseum lately) visited me my second month at college. Well, visited is probably not the right word. She had an unhealthy obsession with Faith No More, and I was an easy person to stay with and bum a ride off to go see their show. But that isn't part of this story (that is a whole other bitterness, I'm afraid). Anyway, she and I had gone to see Faith No More. It was smoky, full room, and she insisted on being in the very front. In the mosh pit, as it were. I ended up having an asthma attack and having to be carried out. No joke. So by the time we got back to the dorms, I was ready to crash out. But then S. showed up.
He'd been sort of around for a couple of weeks, he was a friend of my dormmate and new friend, also M. (who you have met here as well). The first thing I noticed about him was that he was very attractive. Like, Johnny Depp attractive. Seriously. It was a little freaky, actually, and retrospectively it still is. The second thing I noticed was that he was a total pain in the ass, but in that way that can kind of grow on you. M. had mentioned that he might be interested in me, but I honestly hadn't thought a whole lot about it. The first couple of months of college were kind of traumatic for me. There was a lot going on.
Anyway, S. showed up and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. To get away from M., who was driving me crazy, I agreed.
We must have walked for four hours that night. We left late, but the sun was rising by the time we got back to the dorm. And by the time we got back to the dorm, we were dating. We'd agreed that it probably wouldn't last more than a couple of weeks, but thought it might be fun.
The things I remember vividly from that night are not things that should have made any difference. I have almost no idea what was said, but I know there were Fruit Runts in the pocket of his sweatshirt, and we ate them as we walked. I know that when we got back to the dorm, I sat on top of a washing machine in the laundry room and we kissed. I know that I kept having to use my inhaler, and it was cold, but I didn't ever want to stop walking.
The years that came after that were as much bad as good, but those first few months were great. For the first time since I'd come to college, I could sleep with him with me. We studied together, we ate dinner together, we went out, we watched movies. It was the first relationship I'd had where I had only the relationship to negotiate, with no parental influence, no high school politics. He accepted me for what I was, and in those first months, he was good to me, and at that point in my life, not all that many men had been.
And in spite of everything since, I appreciate that.
Title line courtesy of my friend Adam Brodsky.
Comments (2)
i really like that post, grace. timely for me. i hope i can get to the place where i can remember mine and josh's good times without feeling desperately bitter.
Posted by wyzardess | February 10, 2005 8:36 PM
The good news is that nostalgia can make even the most insufferable ass into fond memories. The bad news is that until we get alzheimer's or amnesia (or science fiction), we can't get rid of our memories. Unless you're lucky enough to have only good memories, like me.
The downside: I spent the last three hours trying to remember where I parked, but couldn't.
The upside: I remember the last three hours as a pleasant walk through a rose scented garden, decorated with cocaine fountains and jetpack rides.
Posted by simonmaxhill | February 13, 2005 7:56 PM