We all want something beautiful
Man I wish I was beautiful
I'm in the gray. I don't know why, but I am. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the reduced Prozac dosage. Maybe it just is. My friend S. calls this feeling purple, but to me, it's more gray. Oregon in February three-consecutive-months-of-drizzle-looking
-out-the-window-and-seeing-nothing-alive gray. Dammit, this is what I moved away from.
I'm not unhappy. I'm just...unenthusiastic.
Flatlining at some base rate that is lower than happy but not low enough to be depressed. And it irritates me.
To top that off, I am having my usual Lenten delimma. See, I'm not Catholic, or Lutheran, or any kind of Christian, so Lent shouldn't mean anything to me one way or another. But for some reason, more than just about any other religious season or holiday, Lent speaks to me. Ash Wednesday always leaves me feeling like I have a void to fill, that this is a season I should observe, Christian or not. Partially, I think, I'm draw to the idea of giving something up, refocusing on what is really important by depriving yourself of something that is ultimately not. Partially it's something else that I can't quite put a finger on. Some longing to belong to something, to believe in something.
Believe in me
Help me believe in anything
Cuz I want to be someone who believes
Maybe I should go to noon Mass. But I feel like such a fraud.
Maybe I should listen to more uplifting music.
*Title and quotes by the Counting Crows.
Comments (2)
Oh dear. You and I seem to be living each other's lives. I like the grey, by the way, and I have recently become addicted to The Sims. Do you ever get really, really angry at them for not doing what you tell them? It's a good thing I'm not God, because all that free will crap would just make me mad.
And I totally wish I could have seen Ani.
I hope your grey passes. Mine seems to have pulled up a chair and decided to stay awhile.
Posted by She | February 9, 2005 10:59 AM
I hope that you did go to Mass yesterday, if that's what you felt called to do. There's nothing fraudulent about that.
Posted by frog | February 10, 2005 8:15 AM