Note: This is catharsis. It's how I feel. If you don't like it, if you don't want to read it, if it offends you,if you have body issues of your own that it exaserbates, just stop. Please.
I hate my body. I hate these breasts. Where the fuck did I get these breasts? They don't look like my breasts. My breasts are small. I hate the flaps of fat swinging under my arms like a fucking whattle. I hate my belly rolls. I hate the cellulite on the outsides of my thighs and the stretch marks on the insides of them. I hate hate hate my ass. I hate not being able to fit into any cute clothes, or even any of the clothes I wore last summer. I hate being "plus sized." I hate shopping at Lane Bryant. It doesn't make me feel like a "Real Woman (TM)," it makes me feel like a fucking manitee. I hate people saying, "you're just tall." 30 pounds ago I was just tall.
The bottom line is that I hate being fat. I hate everything about it. On the more acceptable side, I hate feeling like I am carrying extra weight, I hate the extra stress on my knees. I hate having my archless feet swollen at the end of the day. I hate it that I can see my vericose veins getting worse. On the less acceptable side, I hate seeing someone I haven't seen in a long time and wondering if they'll notice the extra 30 lbs I've put on. I hate walking in front of people and wondering if they are marvelling at the size of my ass. I hate knowing that it swings when I walk. I hate it that I had a massage this evening and I never relaxed, as I was spending the whole time wondering if I was going to be able to keep my fat self on the little table, wondering if the petite woman massaging me was hurting her hands trying to get around my hips. I hate feeling like I have failed. I hate being fat.
And what I hate almost as much as being fat itself is this: I hate that I care. I hate that I can't embrace my size like a good feminist. I hate that I can't concentrate soley on feeling better, without wondering what exercises I need to do to get into a size 12. I hate that I weigh myself even more than I hate the number I see when I do it. I hate myself when I eat poorly and don't exercise, but I hate myself almost as much when I do, because I know it's for the "wrong" reasons. I really hate wondering if my problem is really with my body, or if it's a symptom of something else, something even less under my control. I hate being fat, and I hate what hating being fat says about me.
There are few things more tiresome than listening to someone else complain about her weight. I hate that I have become one of the people who does that. I hate the very idea that my self-loathing translates into loathing towards other fat women, but I also hate it when I catch myself thinking that it's OK for other people to be fat, just not me.
I hate that my big ass symbolizes my compliance in a culture of greed and excess. I hate that I am an overweight American. I hate that my ass is oversized because I not only like McDonalds french fries, I'll actually put aside my politics and order them. I hate that there are people starving in the world and I can't keep my intake below 3,000 calories most days. You could feed seven starving children off my thighs alone. I hate that I use more than I need and take more than is my fair share. And I hate that it shows in my body.
I hate exercise. I hate huffing and puffing, red-faced and miserable. I hate it that it is only being fat that can even get me to attempt cardiovascular fitness. I hate it that I won't do it for my heart, or my lungs, but I'll do it for the guys who used to whistle at me on the street but don't anymore. I hate that I hate exercise. I'm supposed to like it. It's supposed to make me feel good.
At this point, not much feels good. Being fat is nearly as bad as caring, and caring is nearly as bad as being fat.
Comments (19)
nice blog. -from one fat chick to another: it DOES suck, it IS hard to deal with, and certain people CAN suck it.
Posted by Cait | March 31, 2005 9:56 PM
Aaahh, Grace honey, I wish I could say something for you here. It sounds so unpleasant and painful and self-inflicted, and I can't say anything to you that you haven't heard from someone's (or your own) lips before. But if I can help you somehow, some way, I will.
Posted by Emma Goldman | April 1, 2005 3:21 PM
I know, I know, I know. I'm sure it seems so small to say that I know, I identify and I know what you're feeling. Nothing that anyone ever says ever makes it go away. If someone says, "You're not fat!" you know that they're just saying it to be nice, that they've never felt the way that you feel. All I can say is that I know. And I'm sorry. And I hope you're feeling better soon.
Posted by Becky | April 5, 2005 10:00 AM
[hugs] there's a lot of grace-bashing in with the body-hating there. is everything okay? sending some unconditional love your way...
Posted by melinda | April 5, 2005 7:40 PM
I'm not sure when feminist political analysis of sizeism, a political issue, got turned into a personal, mandatory, and community enforced 12-step program for higher feminist enlightenment requiring individual women to unconditionally "love" and "accept" themselves when they're fat *no matter what*, but that approach is clearly not doing anybody any favors. Feminism is not a 12-step program. You're not "failing" anything, or anybody, by not wanting to be fat.
Posted by Char | April 7, 2005 12:11 PM
A blog for the masses!!!
Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2005 1:41 PM
Was that a fucked up pun?
Posted by simonmaxhill | April 8, 2005 5:28 PM
((AO))) You know how I feel. Wish I could make it all better for you.
Posted by the therapeutic writer | April 12, 2005 10:19 AM
Grace, I feel the way you feel, changing sizes and never knowing if you can fit into the same pair of pants from one week to the next. Feeling like everyone else is more accepted than you are. Feeling like you know you have to do stuff but you figure whats the use. I hate sweating and I hate it when people tell me that "they love me no matter what size I am". I hate it when thin people give me advice on how to lose weight and they have no idea how hard it is. I hate it when my husband says "I'll help you". I don't want his support because then I feel like he sees all of my fatness. I hate that I hate ME. Thanks for showing me I am not as alone as I feel.
Posted by Amanda Bryant | April 19, 2005 2:56 AM
I read your blog and then thought to myself..."Self? Did you wake up in the middle of the night and type that?"
Posted by Anonymous | April 22, 2005 12:08 PM
As you will see by our website on "what I hate about being fat list" 62 reasons and counting, we agree too!!!! come on over and take a read!! : fatfiles.atspace.com
Posted by Scrumptious | May 13, 2005 10:24 PM
Hey I just read your blog and totaly relate to what you have said. To prove it just take a look at mine my messed up mind and way of thinking. I hope you feel better and acheive what you want. Hugs Fallen-Angel
Posted by fallen-angel | May 16, 2005 9:53 AM
Totally agree with everything you say. I hate thinking about what other people are thinking when I walk by them. Why do i get the squeaky chair? If a skinny girl sat in the chair would it squeak?? Why do i care what people think? Why do i care at all?? It's nice to know I'm not alone.
Posted by Anonymous | December 5, 2005 11:33 PM
hello im new to this just red your blog an i really feel 4 u im large my self an tried every diet goin none av worked just take each day as it comes and remember we are ALL beautiful
Posted by angel of fattness | January 16, 2006 5:23 PM
*THIS IS QUOTE I GOT FROM A EMAIL. "I ASKED GOD TO TAKE AWAY MY HANDICAPPED CHILD WHOLE...GOD SAID NO...HIS SPIRIT IS WHOLE, HIS BODY IS ONLY TEMPORARY." **HINT, HINT. YOUR NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER. ANYWAYS I HOPE ONE DAY YOU WILL FIND A WAY. TILL THEN I PRAY YOU HAVE A BLEESED DAY!
Posted by Anonymous | January 20, 2006 10:36 PM
make goals. not in your head. not hidden under your pillow. write out goals and stick them on a wall in your room. look at it every day. set weight goals. eating goals. exercise goals. read it every damn day, and when you see that youre not meeting your goals, feel like shit. honestly, feel like shit. get pissed off at yourself for being lazy and incapable of taking care of a problem that you have with yourself. feel like shit, knowing that if you could work off 2 pounds a week for a lousy 3 months, you could lose 25 pounds and be happier for the next few YEARS of your life. make a sacrifice. i did. i tortured myself. not by throwing up.. not by starving myself. not by exercising to exhaustion, but by changing my eating habits, resisting that big mac by lookign down at my stomach and thinking about how big my ass is. by running 4 days a week in the morning. early. so that nobody could see me. it paid off. i'm attractive again like i was two years ago.
Posted by Anonymous | May 25, 2006 2:06 PM
You fat cow it's no-ones fault but your own. 3000 calories a day? you must be a whale. Stop wallowing in self-pity, stop eating like a pig and do some exercise. Yes I am thin, but only because I make an effort. Don't blame people like me for the way you are, it's your body and you are in control of it.
Posted by Anonymous | July 19, 2006 5:06 PM
hey, just started my own blogg thang. I totally feel for you girl, put on 20kgs to satisfy everyone and their stupid fucken problems with my awesome fit skinniness when i was happy. Now I'm having to battle bad eating habits I've picked up, terrible self-esteem and DEPRESSION (whoo for prozac, ahh the brain-numbing goodness). Not to mention cellulite (uurrrghhhhh... just wanna cut it off!).
Posted by badass pixie | August 1, 2006 2:03 AM
As my mother used to say if you have nothing nice to say... G My Gay Zone
Posted by Gef | August 3, 2006 10:22 PM