For quite some time now, I have been discussing (arguing) my sexuality with people both online and off. Mostly, the contentious part of this discussion, for me, has been surrounding whether or not I identify myself as straight. For years I've bucked against claiming that title, because as far as I'm concerned, it's not accurate. I'm not straight. I'm bisexual.
People have explained to me (more times than I'd like to admit) that even though I am bisexual, that identity is largely internal, because I am in a heterosexual relationship, have been for a long time, and get the same heterosexual privledges as the next straight girl. For a long time, I found this line of reasoning threatening. Because when I look in the mirror and see my sexuality, I see bisexual. Because--duh--I like girls and boys. Because I don't want my past experiences or the possibility of my future ones to take a backseat to what I am doing/who I am with right now.
But also, if I am being honest, because I didn't want to be called straight. Because straight felt like a dirty word, something normal and cliche that I didn't want to be. Something that made me less interesting, less cool. Similar to the way I feel every time I go through all of the "interesting" nationalities and then mark the box next to "Caucasian" or, worse yet, "White."
And that reasoning just plain sucks. There is absolutely no reason for me or anyone else to be ashamed of being straight! However, the fact of the matter is that it is absolutely true that heterosexual privledge exists, and that it applies to me. It is absolutely true that if I don't choose to go out of my way to "out" myself as a bisexual (and even sometimes when I do), people see me as the norm--a heterosexual woman. A woman in a relationship with a man. This benefits me in a million ways, most of which I probably couldn't even identify. And just like not being able to admit that you benefit from white privledge is racist, not being able to admit that you benefit from heterosexual privledge is homophobic, or, at the very least, heterosexist.
After realizing this, I knew I needed to think of a new title for myself. If I wasn't in a relationship, or if I was in a relationship with a woman, then bisexual would cut it. In a relationship with a man, it doesn't.
And here is what I came up with: functionally straight, or, if you prefer, practicing heterosexual. I think those are fair terms. They give credence to both my privledged status and to the fact that it is not the be-all and end-all of everything I have ever been or will ever be. They are a bit clunky, maybe, but bisexual is no walk in the park to define, either.
In Spanish, there are two different verbs for "to be." "Ser" tells you the nature of something, what it is permanently (for example, "Soy un mujer" or "I am a woman."), "Estar" tells you the transient nature of something, or what it is right now (like "Estoy enfermo," or "I am sick."). With estar, you can pretty much assume "right now" or "presently" at the end of the sentance. Using these verbs in my mind helps me clarify my sexuality for myself. My permanent nature, my "ser" is bisexual, but my right now, my "estar" is heterosexual.
I'm happy with that.
Comments (3)
I've always been frustrated by the categories--and by the need to put people into them. (I understand what you're saying about privilege, too.) I remember a conversation with an ex-coworker a long time ago. She had been married for a long time, then fell in love w/ a woman, w/ whom she was living (and had been) for awhile. She identified herself as a lesbian, though she wasn't very out. We were amused to realize that she was the lesbian, but I'd actually had more female partners--to me, it just pointed out the strangeness of requiring people to pick a single category to describe all of their sexual desires, behaviors, experience, etc. I like the way you've used another language to give that some nuance!
Posted by Emma Goldman | March 30, 2005 9:48 AM
I agree with Emma on your use of language. For me love is not based on gender or anatomy -- but that explanation confuses people, who are troubled enough by "bisexual." At this point, call me what you will, I'm too old to care. Yet in my life I've been in some fairly bizarre situations involving me and my ex, a woman with whom I spent 20 years, on and off. Sometimes we were actively sexual; the rest of the time -- say, after 1991, it was a romantic friendship. I had the place of honor on her photo montage. Then, she met a boy. Got engaged. Came to my house for dinner, told me she'd gotten engaged, and then proceeded to hit on me, no mistaking that tongue in my mouth. After that, she asked me to be a bridesmaid, one of those tasks you can't turn down. There I was, ex-lover of the bride, the bridesmaid at her wedding. To this day I don't know if she's aware of how she acted the night she came to dinner and wanted to plan an affair with me. I haven't told her. The last I heard from her, she wondered if I could fill the void in her life that existed when hubby was at work -- but at any other time, they came as a package deal. She reminded me how much she loved me. I finally said, I love you, too, but I cannot be your friend. As for identity privilege, dress me up and I look like the descendent of privilege that I am. But I don't hesitate to step out of that character when someone says anything anti-gay. I both educate and confuse, and I think the combination a good one.
Posted by alice, uptown | March 30, 2005 7:34 PM
"Educate and confuse", I like that. I think it's even more important for people to speak up when they aren't expected to. By doing so, we not only tell people their comments aren't acceptable, but we're also the the bridge between the oppressed and the oppressors. When I was still with my husband, I had opportunities to talk about equal rights for gay people at work. My co-workers saw my literature and the button I wore occasionally and, knowing I was married, wondered why a straight woman was volunteering for this cause. Of course, now that I'm divorcing, who knows what they think. But still, I'll always try and speak out for what's right.
Posted by Anonymous | April 1, 2005 8:06 PM