What if No One's Watching?

Gee, didn't exactly leave the blog in good spirits, did I?

Things are better, I think, than they were upon my last post. There are worse things to be than 20-30 lbs overweight. Lots of worse things. So...I've started keeping a food journal for a bit, just to get a sense of what I am eating, and my main focus is on exercise. Or was on exercise. I tore my pectoral muscle, so all exercise is suspended until I can breathe without Vicodin.

Mainly, I've just re-entered the zone in which I am tired of thinking about my weight. There is too much else going on to focus on it. We're closing on the house in just over a week. There is paint to pick out, there are boxes to pack. There is work drama that never ends, which may or may not turn out good for me. It is really and truly spring here, with green trees and blue sky and tank top and flip flop weather. Who wants to waste all that fixating on her fat ass?

We had a truly fantastic experience last weekend. The dog rescue we work with had a picnic, and three of our former puppies and their families came! I say former puppies because at not-quite-seven-months, they are HUGE! All about 60 lbs. And they are obviously all great dogs, and dogs that are integral parts of the families who adopted them. I don't think I've ever felt quite so proud as I did watching them play, watching their families mingle and thinking that yes, I made this happen. It is because of me that these dogs are alive and happy and healthy, and because of me that these people have these dogs to enrich their lives. How could I not be proud of that?

So I have a secret. Naturally, what else would I do with it than post it on the Internet where millions of people could theoretically read it?

I am drug-free.

I've been off the Prozac for nearly a month, and off the Wellbutrin (which I was never on much of it anyway) for a week. I'm clean.

And frankly, I feel fucking great. I may be eating too much and shopping too much (the ups are back, apparently), but I don't feel depressed, or tired, and I am starting to be able to conceptualize why people might want to have sex.

Life is good.

Today on WINOW, a list of things I am loving recently:

• Bath and Body Works' new Cherry Blossom collection. Smells so good, so light and so different than other stuff, and it reminds me of cherry blossom trees, which are seriously one of my favorite things of all time. I am particularly enamored with the whipped body cream and the bath bubbles. Enamored enough, actually, that I am saddened to see they will only be available for a limited time. I may even go back and buy some more to stockpile.
• The Clarks Eliot. I love these so much I have them in both black and brown, and if I could find them in my size in ketchup or purple, I'd have those too. They look cute, they go with everything, and they are so comfortable.
• Jockey bra style 4701. Best. bra. ever. No wire, incredibly comfortable, and still reasonably attractive. Love it.
  
• Mix and match bridal seperates. No, I am not having a wedding, or even going to be in one, but I love this concept, plus I think it is fun to play with.
• Loretta Lynn's Jack White-produced album, Van Leer Rose. I can't stop listening to it.
• Lane Bryant's Lafayette sateen cropped pants. They come in awesome colors (even though the black ones are the only ones I actually like on me) and they have an awesome pseudo-50's style, plus they don't make me feel like a walrus.
• The Austin Goodwill. I could so go here every day. And sometimes I do.
• Bitch magazine. I read the last issue cover to cover, and damn it was good! Gotta remember to renew that subscription.
• The Behr paint website. I am so close to deciding on the colors for our new house. Really. I swear.
  

We closed on the house this afternoon! Closing went as well as I possibly could have imagined, with an added bonus of our monthly payment being $125 less than we had estimated it would be (due to our overestimating taxes and insurance). How cool is that?

After closing, we came home and got a picnic dinner and Chance and went and spent the evening at the new house. We finally had the chance to run from room to room, holding paint swatches up against the wall, and we choose our colors.

The living room is currently painted a very light gray, with built-in bookcases painted dark blue. We are repainting the bookcases, because I don't like the shade they are and because the paint is in bad shape, and painting one wall (an "accent wall," as they say.) The book cases will be Blue Reef (scroll down to see it) and the accent wall will be Beach Purple (again, scroll down).

The hall is currently lavender and it's awful and must go immediately. We wanted something to blend all of the other rooms together, so we picked Dream Catcher. The trim will be white.

Our bedroom is currently the grossest sponge-painted yellow you could imagine. It is a beautiful little room, with French doors that look out to the yard, and we want a mellow, peaceful feel, so we choose Eeyore's Rain Cloud (bottom left-yep, it's from the Disney Behr collection). The trim here will be white as well.

We wanted to keep the color in the spare bedroom mellow and peaceful as well (it is currently a different, but no less nauseating, lavender than the hall)l, so we choose Contemplation, with white trim.

Finally, the office is in the front of the house and has bigger windows and more light than the other two rooms, plus it isn't meant to be a bedroom, so won't need to be as peaceful (and it's far from it right now, painted bright lime green). We went back to our living room color ideas there, choosing Cozumel (second row from the bottom). The trim there will be white, too.

What do you think?

Which do you hate more, dieting or budgeting (or, if the d-word turns you off, replace that with "having responsible eating habits and having responsible spending habits," if you prefer)? Aren't they really pretty much the same thing? I am very good at planning for both of them (setting up spreadsheets, figuring out realistic goals) and very bad at following through with either one. Which explains quite a bit about my station in life, actually (i.e. why I am 30 lbs overweight and have way, way less money saved than I should have). Both of them are things that make you feel virtuous if you actually do them and guilty when you don't. Both of them are responses to over-indulging in activities that you can't logically just quit cold turkey. Both of them are about moderation, which has to be one of my least favorite words. I read magazine articles and books and websites about how to do both of them better ravenously, and yet don't do either in any real way. They even have similar languages ("allowances," "splurges").

Bottom line is that both of them are things I really need to be doing and I'm just not. No matter how many programs I join (Self's get fix program, at least three Fitday accounts, the new food pyramid thing, you name it) or how many spreadsheets I set up (one in Money, one in Quicken, at least 10 in Excel), I just don't follow through. I think about seeking a dietician, or a financial planner, but know that ultimately either would be wasteful, because not knowing what to do isn't my problem--doing it is. I know I should write down every penny I spend, put myself on a cash-only economy with a weekly allowance, cut up my credit cards, drink more water, eat five servings of vegetables a day, cut out sugar and refined carbs, exercise 5 times a week...but knowing isn't doing. And since I haven't yet reasonably mastered either, the chances of doing both seem especially slim.

So you tell me--which is worse, dieting or budgeting?