How do you get that lonely?

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I've been thinking a good deal about suicide lately. No, not my own--a coworker's wife killed herself a couple of weeks ago, there are small children involved, it's a terrible situation, and it's been buzzing around in my head. Then, today, I was home sick, and I was filling time, as I am both wont and apt to do, by watching the Top 20 on CMT. The video for this song came up:

"How Do you Get That Lonely", Blaine Larsen

It was just another story written on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on the bedroom floor
There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone...

(Chorus)
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?

I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand

(Chorus)
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score...

There are a lot of songs about suicide. I could list 20 without skipping a beat, and frankly, a lot of them are better than this one. That being said, 30 seconds into watching this video today, I was in tears, and it took me 30 minutes to stop them. The kid who sings this song looks about 15. He's cute, blonde, with sticky-out ears. I looked up his bio and I guess he's actually 18 or 19, but either way, he's a kid. And everything about this video screamed home to me. The video is basically a bunch of different carloads (and truckloads) of people driving to the funeral of the boy in the song. There is a girl in a letterman's jacket who I could have played volleyball with. And Larsen himself reminds me uncomfortably of someone I thought I was in love with before I even know what that meant. Watching this video hurt worse than anything I've seen in years, and I'm going to be thinking about why for months.

So yeah. I don't know what I'm saying, I'm just sayin'.

1 Comments

I usually can't listen to the whole song. It hits too close to home. Only in the past few months do I think I really have a good shot at beating this depression thing permanently. (I've made some changes in my life.) I've been battling this since early childhood and had my first episode of clinical depression at age 6. Struggling for almost 30 years with a disease bent on killing you is harder than I can explain. I think if you haven't lived it, you can't understand the pain. I've been on the edge a few times. The best way I know how to explain it is the pain is so overwhelming and you feel no hope for it ending, so death feels like the only option because it will make the pain stop. Some people think those who commit suicide are cowards because of the pain they cause their family and friends. But I've never talked with anyone who had considered suicide that hadn't already endured a lot just to avoid that. Having people around who care saves some of us. But for those who can't endure, and the disease takes us, please don't place blame. If you were in a hurry that day, or didn't notice your friend was in a bad mood, it likely wouldn't have made a difference. It's our own private hell and you can only be so supportive. Give yourself a break and try and remember the good times.

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