What if No One's Watching?

I'm not sure how long you were on the Wellbutrin, but it didn't seem that long (in comparison to the Prozac, anyway) to me (though I wasn't the one taking it, so there you go). I'm also not sure how long it takes Wellbutrin to work. In other words, I'm talking out of my ass, so mea culpa, caveat emptor and all that. But, I've heard of this happening before--in fact I dated someone to whom this happened. At some point on an anti-depressant protocol, you (general you) feel "I'm fine, so I don't need them anymore." But at least a function of that fine-ness is being regulated--not induced by, but certainly regulated --by the medication itself. Honestly, when I found out after the fact that you'd taken yourself off your meds, I was a bit concerned, but I had faith in your decision--after all, I just got the announcement, not all the thinking that went into it. Now that it seems the despair is back, I think you are having a chance to see how being unmedicated for you is/can be, when most things in your life are still relatively stable. I'm glad that you are considering all your options, even though it doesn't thrill you to be on a med-for-life thing. I know how it is to *need* to take medication every day to function (hoping my surgery will help that somewhat), but at one point I decided functioning was the most important thing for me. (WARNING: ANNOYING AS FUCK CLICHE AHEAD!!!) If I were diabetic, I'd curse the insulin, but I'd take it--or at least get that groovy-ass pump John W. has. Now, I'm NOT saying you shouldn't be feeling despair or dispondency over things, just that despair which has become intractable and out of proportion to the triggering event and which is consuming all areas of your life is not "normal" and needn't be par for the course for you. It isn't about gritting your teeth and just getting through things. It isn't a matter of weakness. If I were you, and I'm not, I'd at least consider restarting the Wellbutrin, since it is supposed to have less of the sexual side effects you had with Prozac, esp now that you know the Prozac is completely out of the picture and not fucking with it/you. What I've read about it (Ok, I went and looked it up, since it has been 14 years since the boyfriend who took it) is that you should give it at least a month to start working for you, though you should feel it in about two weeks on average. I just found a horridly-named, irreverant, but helpful site called crazymeds.org that gives the rundown on just about anything you can think of. I like that it speaks plainly about all side effects and the reality of weaning off, etc. I wish you well and wellness. It should go without saying that I will support you in whatever decision you make. (In other words, you will never hear, "I told you to go back on the drugs, so don't come complaining to me.") If you really would prefer to remain drug-free, you might consider therapy. I have some good psychotherapists to recommend, if you're interested. Indeed, it might help you to have someone to vent to/talk with who can guide you through things without self-interest getting in the way, even unconsciously. These are goal-oriented, short-term therapists. They won't be latching onto you for years to come or setting you up for a no-win cycle of unending treatment. And it goes without saying that you should under no circumstances date Tom Cruise. (Somehow I think you'll be fine with that.)

If you're having thoughts about harming yourself, please go and talk to a therapist--sooner rather than later.

Grace- Please keep in mind that you are a beautiful person. If everyone were as caring as you the world would be a much better place. You are smart, talented, creative and understanding. I know I don't *know* you but it's clear from what you share. I can't offer any advice about meds other than to do what's best for you and I think siobhan made a wonderful post. Perhaps you could really lean on some friends now for emotional support.

grace, that sucks. it sucks to be in a down spot to begin with, and sucks more that it's happening after things were going so well for a while. but i don't think i'd freak out yet, if i were you. it sounds like it's only been a few days that you've been feeling bad, and it could be that it will pass. do what you need to do for yourself to get through the next few days, and see if it lifts. sometimes what helps me break a small depression is keeping myself busy doing things i enjoy or which are productive, and also keeping myself from isolating myself. (the latter especially helps when i'm thinking of hurting myself.) talking sometimes helps too.... and, if it doesn't, there's no shame in needing to take medication. depression can be (and often is) a chronic disease, like diabetes or back pain or whatever, and if you need daily meds to make you a functional human who enjoys life, so be it. no one would begrudge someone with diabetes her insulin. i think, too, that there are ways of managing depression that don't involve meds that you may want to try. exercise is the first that comes to mind. it's worked wonders for me, and i think i recall a study where the effects of regular exercise were comparable to prozac in fighting depression. my therapist also recommended omega-3 fatty acids--i've been taking them as flaxseed oil on salads, and it seems to help too. good luck, grace. i'm absolutely certain you'll get through this one way or another. i'm rooting for you--along with all the many other people in your life who care about you lots.

There's a lot I wanted to say in the way of advice, information, etc, but maybe that's not what you need right now. So I send positive thoughts, big hugs, and lots of support your way, no matter which way you choose to get through this.

My wellbutrin kicked in about 3 months ago, and its been so good...but the truth is that I'm scared that I'll never be able to get off of it. I tell myself (and other people) that it doesn't bother me to be on it, and it DOESNT, in the short term. The thought that I might never get off of it does bother me a bit. However...I'd rather pop a pill than be afraid to get out of bed in the morning, and afraid to get back in at night. I don't really know what my point here is, except to say good luck, you're not alone. To give cyber hugs. :) One thing that is floating around in my brain is the possibility that things might be stressful in your life without you noticing them. I've been a raving maniac lately, even with the meds. Everything in my life is GOOD. But there's been alot of change, etc...it fooled me into thinking I wasn't stressed when I really was. Just to ramble on a bit more about myself ;), my doctor said something really helpful to me when I was adjusting my meds. I had been on lexapro, and the sexual side effects were really bothering me. We were talking about switching to wellbutrin and she mentioned that wellbutrin is better for depression than anxiety, and my main problem is anxiety. I felt dumb for wanting to switch, but she said something along the lines of "all of these things effect your life and are important to consider." IOW, find a balance between the side effects and the anxiety. If being off the meds hasnt solved the problems you wanted it to solve (ie sex drive and tiredness)...that's something to consider. If not taking it hasnt made things better, why don't you take it again? And on the flip side, if it has made things better, maybe trying other stuff (eg therapy, exercise, whatever) to get you through the rough spots might be worth it. Do what you need to do. Take care of yourself, and remember that there are alot of people ready and willing to offer support if/when you need it. ((()))