Last night, a friend asked me how things were between myself and another friend, with whom I had a massive falling out some time ago. To my own surprise, I told her that things were "over," that I was no longer interested in attempting to reconcile with this person, that I had given up on the situation.
To my knowledge this is only the second time in my life I have come to this conclusion about a friendship. Sure, I've fought with friends, but I have always left the possibility for reconciliation open. Last time, it took nearly 15 years to get me to the giving up point. This time it has taken only weeks.
What I am trying to figure out, though, is whether this is a good thing? Intellectually, I know that it is. I know that the person and the situation are not going to change, and that I am only torturing myself if I try to fit into the space this person has allowed for me. I know that it is unhealthy for me to maintain any relationship in which I am a constant disappointment. I know that the right thing to do, for myself, is to consider the relationship over and move on.
And yet...I feel horrible. I feel no small amount of disloyalty. I feel like I should be better than this, better than giving up on another human being. And mostly, I feel sad to have a lost a friend. To put it as bluntly as possible, I don't like that many people. When I find someone I do like, I put a lot of faith in them to not let me down. It hurts when they do.
Comments (5)
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Posted by Anonymous | August 19, 2005 12:06 PM
Don't you love spam?
Posted by Siobhan | August 19, 2005 3:14 PM
I do. I think I have a comment and then I just have spam. It's so disappointing.
Posted by Grace | August 19, 2005 3:34 PM
I'll leave a real comment! I totally understand how you feel. ((Grace)) Okay, I didn't say it would be a profound comment.
Posted by Sass | August 20, 2005 10:36 PM
I have "broken up" with at least three friends, and I seem to be ready to do that with a fourth. I don't feel at all bad about it, honestly. My time and energy are limited, and I get to decide how to spend them. I miss the shared history that went out the door when one of those relationships ended, but I don't miss the person.
p.s. That fourth person is not you, btw, despite my seeming inability to just pick up the damn phone and call. :)
Posted by Skye | August 21, 2005 3:39 PM