What if No One's Watching?

Since I blew my story about my mom pre-blogging for choice, I haven't been sure what to write about today. I don't have an abortion story of my own to tell here--I have never, to my knowledge, been pregnant. Like just about any woman who sleeps with men, though, what would happen if I found myself pregnant has been occupying my thoughts on and off for the past eleven years.

There was a time when the choice would have been clear, if not easy. In high school, when my life was unformed and my relationships were fleeting, I almost certainly would have aborted. In college, when my relationship was long-term, but not conductive to children, and my life was embryonic, I almost certainly would have aborted. In the period between college and graduate school, when Mark and I were getting on our feet and I was struggling with both depression and low-paid, low-interest jobs, I likely would have aborted.

Now, however, there would be no "good" reason to have an abortion. I am in a relationship I consider to be permanent, and it is steady and stable and healthy and good. I have a job that pays a salary I could raise a child on. My partner has a career path. We own a house. We have proved ourselves over and over again to be responsible adults. We're in our mid-to-late 20s. It is, in many social strata, baby-making time. There are many people who would have supported my getting an abortion ten years ago, or five years ago, or even two years ago, who would not support the decision now.

But that isn't what choice is about. Choice isn't about terminating pregnancies that you are not in the proper stage of life for. Choice is about a woman deciding if, at this time in her life, she wants to carry a pregnancy to term. And, much of the time, it's about her deciding if she wants to raise a baby. Whether or not her life seems to be in the place where becoming a mother would be socially sanctioned has nothing to do with that woman deciding what is best for her body and her life.

From the story I told earlier, you can see that I support women who are not in the period of life where having a baby is socially sanctioned having their babies anyway, if that is what they want to do. My mother did it and I think she did a great job. I think she made the right decision in not aborting. She knew she was ready, and that carrying her pregnancy to term and being a mother was what she wanted. In many ways, I am the opposite. While I may seem to be in a much better position to carry a pregnancy to term and become a parent than my 19 year-old mom was, I'm not. I may be old enough, and responsible enough, and I may have a stable relationship and even be able to financially support a kid, but I still don't want one.

That's the bottom line thing that many people, even supporters of a woman's right to chose, don't want to admit. That sometimes women who "shouldn't" have babies due to their situations in life want them, and sometimes women who "should", like me, don't. The choice to have an abortion is not always spurred by not being able to afford a baby, or not being in a place in your relationship to provide two parents. Sometimes, it's spurred by not wanting to parent regardless of your circumstances.

Obviously focusing on this "selfish" reason for abortion is not politically a good idea, given the environment in which we currently live. However, I think it needs to be considered. The whole premise that deciding that you do not want to have a child is selfish should be questioned, as should the premise that having a child is an unselfish sacrifice. When my mother is asked about the sacrifices she made to have me, she is as likely as not to say that it was not about sacrifice--she did what she wanted to do. Why would it not be equally legitimate for me to do what I want to do with my body and my life and decide not to give birth?

The point is that those of us who support and agitate for choice need to be careful to define correctly, for ourselves and for those we speak to about it, what exactly choice is. Choice is not just being able to get an abortion when you are in a situation that "warrants" one--although that's the part we focus on. Choice is each woman being able to decide for herself whether or not she wants to become pregnant, and if she does, whether she wants to carry her pregnancy to term or terminate it, and whether she wants to a raise a child or not. Choice is being able to make the decision I'm making not to become pregnant and having accessible and reasonable options to keep that from happening. Choice is being able to make the decision my mom made to have a baby even when the chips were stacked against her. Both of these decisions, and all those in between, should be supported. Pro-choice isn't just pro-safe and legal abortion. Pro-choice is pro-mother and non-mother; adopted and biological; gay and straight; partnered and single. Pro-choice isn't just about abortion, or even birth control--it's about letting women decide and respecting the decisions they make. It's about respecting my mother's decision to have me and my decision not have children equally, as they are both examples of a woman taking control of her own body and doing what she thinks is best.