All of a sudden, the weather in Austin has changed to meet my mood. The crankier I get, the colder, wetter, grayer, and nastier it gets outside. I'm not sure weather to be pissed or grateful about that.
So yeah. I'm cranky.
I use the word cranky intentionally, because I don't think I'm actually depressed, at least not in the sense I generally use depressed. I'm not particularly having trouble getting out of bed, though I don't want to. I'm able to think clearly and do the things I need to do to move through my days. I am not flying into senseless rages. But I am cranky. I'm so fucking tired of being sick all the time. My current cold has hung on since Thursday, with no particular move in either direction, neither better, nor worse, settling down in neither my chest or my head. I am irritated by the dog hair on the couch. The dog hair on the couch is a constant fact of life at my house, yet it is acutely irritating to me. I am irritated that Mark asks my opinion/advice on the simplest fucking things, which I think he should be able to figure out himself. I am irritated at nearly everything having to do with my job. Mostly, I'm just irritated.
And, as usual, more than anything I am cranky and irritated with myself. I don't like my clothes. I don't like my inability to save money. I don't like my bitten to the quick nails. I don't like my glasses. I don't like it that my absence from work is becoming habitual. I don't like it that I have a growing list of unfinished (and mostly unstarted) projects. I am enraged that my immune system refuses to proect me from even one of the many viruses that circle around me constantly. I'm cranky and mean and I don't like anything.
Living with me, I'm sure, is a joy. But I'm cranky enough with Mark (constantly talks about science and his disappointment and disillusionment with it, doesn't do enough chores, watches too much TV) that I don't care. Working with me is probably also a big pain, but I am cranky enough with my coworkers (talk too much/don't talk enough, too political/not political enough, make fun of my typing) that I don't care about that either.
I hope I feel better when my back stops hurting. Or when this cold finally lets go. Or when the sun comes back out.
Comments (1)
I always figured that if I ever got cranky (thankfully this has never happened), I'd just go buy myself a really nice pair of shoes and that'd fix me right up. Actually, I never buy shoes. They sort of just descend from heaven and land in my closet. simon max hill Portland, OR
Posted by simonmaxhill | February 21, 2006 11:40 AM