What if No One's Watching?

First, I don't experience heightened creativity when I'm in a depressed period. I know a lot of people do, and I am very envious of them--at least they get something out of it. For me, when I am very depressed, then just doing whatever things I have to do to get through a day is as much as I can handle--the extra mental effort required for any creative pursuit is just not available or accessible. I write less, talk less, and even think less when I'm depressed. This has actually gotten more extreme as I've aged--as a teenager, I definitely wrote the bad depressed poetry and tended to look for creative outlets while depressed, and as a younger adult I tended to channel my depression into more concretely satisfying pursuits, particularly baking and cleaning. Now, though, I tend towards very passive coping methods like watching TV and reading novels, as well as increased sleeping.

I find depression itself far more dulling than any of the medications I've taken. I've heard a lot of people say that this or that anti-depressant "numbs" them or muffles their personality, and I was very worried about that possibility before I started taking anti-depressants the first time, but it's not something that has ever happened to me. I have, to date, been on three anti-depressants (Prozac/Fluoxetine, Wellbutrin, and Lexapro), two of which were effective at least for a while in combating my depression (Fluoxetine and Lexapro), and none of which have left me with any serious side effects. I had no noticeable side effects with Fluoxetine or Wellbutrin, and the only ones I've noticed with Lexapro have been loss of appetite and dizziness, both of which are a problem only when going on and off and don't last very long.

It's clear that anti-depressants are not for everyone, and I don't think it would be unfair to claim that they are over-prescribed. However, I am constantly thankful for the drugs I have been on, on and off, for the past six years. I know that I am a happier person with them than I was without them. While I still think I could manage my depression without them and probably not commit suicide or be institutionalized, that's about all I feel like could do without them sometimes. And that's not living.

Right now, I am coming out of this summer's depression, I think. I have returned to Lexapro and it is definitely helping. It doesn't do all the work by itself--not by a long shot--but it helps me to be able to keep a clear enough head to do the things I need to do. I don't know when I'll go off it again--this time has been bad enough that it may be quite a while.