In the past few days, several people have been mean to me. Both online and off, I have had a handful of experiences in which people have, for no real reason, treated me poorly. And after the last of these experiences, this afternoon, I got to thinking. In each case, my first reaction was stunned silence. I am not generally a person who is slow on the comeback, but in each of these cases, I have been unable to say anything in response until it's far too late for it to make any sense. Why?
I think what it comes down to is shock. My base expectation, as I move through the world, is that people will treat me with respect. Why do I believe that? Either because I'm optimistic to the point of being stupid, or it's been my experience often enough for me to think of it as a rule. I have no evidence for myself being stupid. I expect people to be nice to me because people usually are.
A ha.
An "a ha moment" is a moment in which something that has been explained to you logically becomes apparent to you viscerally (or at least that is the definition of it that makes sense to me). And today, when I realized that I expect niceness and respect as a rule and am shocked to silence when I don't receive it, I had an a ha moment. It is a position of great privilege to be able to have this expectation. It speaks to how relatively easy it is to be a middle-class, well-educated straight (or at least straight-appearing) white woman in 21st century America. If I were a woman of color, or a lesbian, or poor, would I be able to have this expectation?
As embarrassing as it is to be stunned into silence when someone is crappy to you, it would be much worse to expect to be treated that way. I am lucky. And today I feel lucky to have recognized it.