What if No One's Watching?

Season One

6. The Pack (written by Matt Kiene and Joe Reinkemeyer, directed by Bruce Seth Green). Yep, this is the one where Xander becomes a hyena. It's just so very very creepy.
Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids. (Xander)

7. Angel (written by David Greenwalt, directed by Scott Brazil). This is where Angel and Buffy finally kiss and we find out who Angel actually is. It's sweet. I can't help it. Mush ball over here.
Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'(Buffy)

11. Out of Mind Out of Sight (written by Joss Whedon, Ashley Gable, and Thomas A. Swyden, directed by Reza Badiyi). This is the ep that features the amazing Clea Duvall as Marcie, a girl who is so ignored in high school that she disappears. For my money, it's the best first season episode, and one of the best all-time. When Joss & Co. say the show is about making real high school demons into monsters, this is the first one I always think of.
Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. (Giles)

Season Two

3. School Hard (written by David Greenwald and Joss Whedon, directed by John T. Kretchmer). The first Spike sighting. Yes, his original accent is a bit on the ridiculous side, but he's so funny and so cool and so charming right off. Plus Joyce rocks the house in this one.
A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure. (Spike)

6. Halloween (written by Carl Ellsworth, directed by Bruce Seth Green). This is the Halloween ep where they all change into their costumes (hottie ghost Willow, useless Lady Buffy, soldier Xander). I just think it's funny. Plus hot Spike, which is never bad.
Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz. (Willow)

14. Innocence (written and directed by Joss Whedon). This is the debut of Angelus/Bad Angel, after the whole virginity loss episode. It's so sad, and the metaphor is so perfect. Classic, miserable, Joss.
I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex. (Xander)

19. I Only Have Eyes For You (written by Marti Noxon, directed by James Whitmore, Jr.). This is the best episode in Season Two, I believe. It's the one where Buffy and Angelus are taken over by the ghosts of another pair of star-crossed lovers, from the 50s, with gender reversal. It's sad and gorgeously done. And say what you will about Marti Noxon (personally, I like her), but this really well-written.
Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was 'I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.' (Xander)

22. Becoming, Part Two (written and directed by Joss Whedon). This episode features Spike's great speech about why life is worth living (with the Man U shout-out), his and Buffy's original alliance, and Buffy's sending just-barely re-souled Angel to hell. Who, me, bawl like a baby?
We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying? (Spike)

Season Three

8. Lovers Walk (written by Dan Vebber, directed by David Semel). The Season Three return of Spike, who gets drunk, kidnaps Willow, and tells Angel and Buffy how it is in his now-famous "love's bitch" speech. Plus Xander and Willow (finally) get caught making with the smoochies and Cordelia gets impaled with re-bar. How I love this one.
You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it. (Spike)

9. The Wish (written by Marti Noxon, directed by David Greenwalt). The alternate universe! Bad bad Willow! The first utterance of "bored now." Anya's first episode. Major dark foreshadowing. Brilliant.
Bored now. (Willow)

18. Earshot (written by Jane Espenson, directed by Regis Kimble). This is the one where Buffy can hear people's thoughts and she ends up intercepting suicidal Jonathan. This is another one of those places (the last one, maybe) where Buffy really gets into the monsters of high school. And it's so well done, especially by Danny Strong (Jonathan).
Stop saying my name like we're friends. We're not friends. You all think I'm an idiot. A short idiot. (Jonathan)

20. The Prom (written by Marti Noxon, directed by David Solomon). Should it embarrass me to admit that this is my favorite season three episode? It's so freaking sad. The dancing, the "Wild Horses." I totally cried. Another thing I really like here is that you are really beginning to see the division and tension between Slayer-Buffy and Person-Buffy, and also between Teenager-Buffy and Adult-Buffy, and I think that's fantastic.
I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it. (Buffy)

22. Gradation Day, Part Two (written and directed by Joss Whedon). The season finale is always good, but this one might be my favorite. I mean, ending with blowing up the school is pretty perfect. Plus Willow and Oz do it. Plus there's that amazing scene with Buffy and Angel where he drinks from her and it is WAY sexier than them actually having sex was (and she smashes a metal pitcher). And then Angel leaves for good and I bawl again and high school is over and we can all move on.
Oz: Guys. Take a moment to deal with all this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High school.

Season Four

4. Fear, Itself (written by David Fury and directed by Tucker Gates). Another Halloween ep, this time the haunted frat house one where they all live out their worst fears. This is, to my mind, one of the very scariest Buffy episodes. Their individual fears are so heart-breaking (invisible Xander, alone Buffy).
I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out. (Buffy)

10. Hush (written and directed by Joss Whedon). This is the silent episode. It's one of the more remarkable things I've ever seen televised at all. It's incredibly frightening, it's funny, it's just...perfect. If I didn't already believe Joss was a genius by this point, this convinced me. Plus--Tara.
Talk. All talk. 'Blah, blah, Gaia. Blah, blah, moon. Menstrual life-force power thingy.' (Willow)

20. The Yoko Factor (written by Doug Petrie, directed by David Grossman). This is where Spike puts doubts in all of the Scoobies heads about each other and they fight and they make up and the viewer (at least if the viewer is me) realizes that things between them are never going to be the same. And yells at the screen and curses Joss for making this all so very hard. However, there is the silver lining of Angel taking a large chunk out of Riley, which is much-needed, and Buffy getting pissed at them both, which is again, needed.
OK, stop it! OK, that's enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning, and I'll personally put you both in the hospital. Anybody think I'm exaggerating? (Buffy)

22. Restless (written and directed by Joss Whedon). The dream episode. There is just so much here. When you re-watch it after you've seen the rest of the series, it's amazing how much foreshadowing there is and how Joss seems to really have it all planned out. Plus it's just funny and weird and new and a great ending to what is, I think, my least favorite season.
Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell... and then I do a spell by myself. (Xander)

Season Five

6. Family (written and directed by Joss Whedon). This is the episode where we get background on Tara, meet her horrific family, and she gets accepted wholesale as a Scoobie. It's one of the last times you see the Scoobies as family, and it's bittersweet.
Nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt. (Buffy)

7. Fool for Love (written by Douglas Petrie, directed by Nick Marck). This is the "Spike's past" episode, and it's one of my all-time favorites. There is certainly some silliness, but his insights into Buffy are beyond fantastic, the chemistry between them really starts to burn here, and it's just...good. So good.
Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance. (Spike)

14. Crush (written by David Fury, directed by Daniel Attias). This is where Buffy learns about Spike's feelings for her, Dru comes back into the picture, and it all goes to hell. It's such a sad, pathetic, horrible episode.
I love you. You're all I bloody think about... dream about. You're in my gut... in my throat... I'm drowning in ya Summers, drowning. (Spike)

18. Intervention (written by Jane Espenson, directed by Michael Gershman). This is, I think, one of the more physically brutal episodes, wherein Glory tortures Spike. It's kind of hard to watch, actually, as is the nasty Spike-Buffybot stuff. But the ending with Spike and Buffy is so (bitter)sweet. And there is just something I like about the way Jane Espenson writes the characters.
I mean, I can beat up the demons, until the cows come home. And then, I can beat up the cows. But I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me. (Buffy)

22. The Gift (written and directed by Joss Whedon). This is the ep where Buffy dies. A lot of people find it really amazing, I actually don't, as far as Buffy season finales go. But it's sort of plot integral, and the interactions between Buffy and Spike in it are wonderful. And I love Spike and Giles acting British together, no matter what ep it appears in.
SPIKE: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
GILES: We few...we happy few.
SPIKE: We band of buggered.

Season Six

7. Once More With Feeling (written and directed by Joss Whedon). This is as good as television has ever been. Seriously. Even if you have never had the least interest in this show, you should watch this episode. That they were able to pull it off is nothing less than amazing. I never get tired of it.
Something's cooking, I'm at the griddle/I bought Nero his very first fiddle (Sweet)

9. Smashed (written by Drew Z. Greenberg, directed by Turi Meyer). Here is where I part ways with legions of Buffy fans who were horrified by this story arc, and join ranks with the Spuffys. The Spike and Buffy relationship worked for me. The way they played it worked for me. The pain, destruction, and hot sex worked for me. And this is where it began.
But you don't wanna hurt the Fett, 'cause man, you're *not* comin' back from that. You know, you don't just do that and walk away. (Warren)

13. Dead Things (written by Steven S. DeKnight, directed by James A. Contner). This is, I think, the hardest, darkest, most horrible Buffy episode. I nearly turned it off when I saw it originally, not because of Buffy and Spike, but because of what The Trio does to Katrina. I think it is an amazing episode, though, not the least of which is because Katrina calls her attempted rape what it is. And there's so much going on her, with Buffy and Spike, with how far Buffy has gone, and with how human the Trio's crimes are. Plus there are some intensely physical scenes. I can't imagine how hard this was to shoot and write, and it's hard to watch, but I think it's great television.
You always hurt ... the one you love, pet. (Spike)

17. Normal Again (written by Diego Gutierrez, directed by Rick Rosenthal). This is the episode where Buffy (assisted by The Trio, naturally) thinks she is in a mental hospital in L.A. and has made up her entire life on the show (and ends up trying to kill everyone) It's very meta. And it's amazingly well-done, I think. It is necessarily self-referential, and gives you that eerie feeling that nothing in anybody could make up is really as strange as your life actually is.
Buffy inserted Dawn into her delusion, actually rewriting the entire history of it to accommodate a need for a familial bond. Buffy, but that created inconsistencies, didn't it? Your sister, your friends, all of those people you created in Sunnydale, they aren't as comforting as they once were. Are they? They're coming apart. (Doctor)

Season Seven

2. Beneath You (written by Doug Petrie, directed by Nick Marck). Crazy Spike in the church. So gorgeous, so painful, so hard to watch. There is nothing funny here. There is nothing easy. For three seasons the show descends into darker and scarier places, and this is the last step before rock bottom. More difficult, from my perspective, than the attempted rape in "Seeing Red." But beautifully shot, written, and acted.
The spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve, and I got it. They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn. (Spike)

7. Conversations with Dead People (written by Jane Espenson and Drew Goddard, directed by Nick Marck). This episode is on the same sad, grinding arc as the rest of this season, but it has a touch more levity (particularly Buffy's interaction with Holden). And again, great Jane Espenson writing.
Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you. (Holden)

17. Lies My Parents Told Me (written by David Fury and Drew Goddard, directed by David Fury). Another Spike-history episode, and the showdown between Spike and Robin. This season never stops being relentlessly depressing.
I have a mission to win this war, to save the world. I don't have time for vendettas. The mission is what matters. (Buffy)

20. Touched (written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner, directed by David Solomon). This is right after the stupid household of Scoobies and Potentials kicks Buffy out. It also has the stuff with Andrew and Spike on the road together, which pretty much the only really funny part of this entire season (aside from that episode when everybody falls in love with the football player--that was funny). This is all the episode in which Spike and Buffy have what seems to me to be the final and only real conversation they're going to have. It's not the wrap up I'd like, maybe, but it's how they did it, and I think it works. Plus it's one of the more honest-to-God romantic monologues ever. Spike's big with the monologue this season.
You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you. (Spike)

22. Chosen (written and directed by Joss Whedon). And this is where it ends. I wasn't 100% satisfied with the ending, but I didn't hate it. And I loved the scene between Buffy and Spike where he tells her she has Angel breathe, and the very last one of the Scoobies before they go to fight The First. It ends hard, and it had to, and I'm OK with that.
So...where's tall, dark and forehead? (Spike)

So some stats: Out of 144 episodes, I've picked 31 as my favorites. Of those 31, 5 were season finales (every season except 1 and 6). 11 of my 31 were written by Joss (surprise!). All of Buffy's major writers are represented in my favorite episodes, with a slight preference for Marti Noxon (for kink), Jane Espenson (for character voices), and David Fury (for Spike). My favorite seasons are season three and season six, for totally different reasons. My least favorites are four and seven, though two of my all-time top five favorite episodes ("Hush" and "Restless") are in season four.

I so hope this list doesn't bore you, because in truth, it's quite likely I will write about nothing but this stupid show for at least two weeks. Consider yourselves warned. Remove me from your feed readers now.

Or, you know, engage me on this subject. Because if I could find someone to actually discuss my new/old obsession with this show with, I'd probably marry them.

Editing to add some more interesting only to me stuff.
Here, TV Squad's Keith McDuffee lists his favorite five Buffy eps. Three of his five (Fear, Itself; Once More, With Feeling; and Hush) are on my list.

Listology has a Top 12 Buffy eps list here. Eight of the twelve are among my favorites.

The Daily Standard's Jonathan V. Last starts his best-of list with "BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER" is the best show in the history of television," a statement with which I find little fault, but only three of my favorites (Once More With Feeling, Becoming II, and Hush) are on his list. And yet, he mentions some that I probably should have chosen, particularly Amends (3.10) and Passion (2.7).

Here we see the Top 10 episodes as per Joss, at least on the day USA Today asked him. Five of Joss' ten (Once More With Feeling; Hush; The Wish; Restless; and Conversations With Dead People) are on my list.