Living out Loud 20: You won't read this anywhere...

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This month, Genie's Living Out Loud challenge was just too tempting to pass up.

Tell us some of your rules. Maybe it's how the toilet paper goes on the roll. Maybe it's something about finding the perfect mate. Maybe it's some lesson that involves hiring J. Walter Weatherman to teach your children a lesson about leaving notes. It could be one really important rule or a list of guidelines for living. But the best part is they're your rules.

Rules, y'all. I have a few. However, the real rule master at my house is Mark. Mark has tons of rules. In particular, Mark has Food Rules. Important Food Rules. Food Rules that he frowns deeply upon being broken. And, as they are a lot more amusing, and a lot easier for me to poke fun at, that my own rules, I'm going to share those with you instead.

Mark's Food Rules


  1. Cheese and seafood shall never, ever, ever mix. No exceptions.

  2. It doesn't matter how similar pie and cake are to pastry, the former two are desserts and the last is breakfast food.

  3. Bacon may be eaten at any time of the day or night.

  4. Tea and coffee are to be consumed altered to tooth-aching sweetness.

  5. If it costs less than $1, it is not food.

  6. There are cookies and there are biscuits. Biscuits are for tea-time, with tea, cookies are for before bed, with milk.

  7. Convenience foods Mark enjoys (Chips Ahoy, pretzels, Snickers bars) are fine. Convenience foods that Grace enjoys (snack cakes of all kinds, Doritos, McDonalds) are disgusting.

  8. Never eat anywhere with a drive thru.

  9. Unaltered fruit is suspect. To alleviate suspicion, it must be macerated, poached, or at least sauced in some way.

  10. Never eat anything that has been touched by a pickle. Pickles are from Satan.

  11. There is a difference between a pickle and a cornichon.

  12. There is absolutely no reason to make a simple version of anything if you have access to za'tar.

9 Comments

LOVE.

1 was also a rule espoused by my dad but i love mixing cheese & seafood.

I assume 5 does not count in a foreign economy? or for snickers bars? :)

number 2 is abhorrently incorrect. generations of moffetts have been eating pie at every meal, starting with breakfast.

in fact, if my memory is correct, they served mark (and jenny) blackberry pie for breakfast during the epic cross country drive.

Howell is correct. i support anything the moffetts want if it involves pie.

however, the moffetts DO break my culinary rule: spaghetti sauce should never involve vinegar.

I agree completely with the drive-thru rule and the pickle rule. The fruit rule is funny. I had a friend in high school who refused to eat fresh fruit or veggies because it didn't taste exactly the same every time. "You always know what you're getting with a Twinkie," he would say.

I'm still laughing at the pickles are from Satan one. That is too funny. I especially laugh because I personally don't really "love" pickles but all 3 of my girls order EXTRA pickles whenever we eat anywhere that has them!

I am with him on no cheese and seafood. Dairy and ocean things are WRONG, even though I don't eat ocean things.

Coffee is not to be served with sugar. It is serious adult food.

I'm with him on the za'atar. I put so much on my hummous that it turns green.

I agree with #2, #3, and #5. Some drive-thru food is not suspect, as are some seafood and cheese items. (But only with parmesan. ONLY with parmesan.)

ROFL. His food rules crack me up, mostly because they seem so random.

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