These things suck:
1. Registering for classes at 8am online on a first-come first-serve basis. Ick.
2. Mark having stomach cramps so I have to drive myself to campus (and take the scary highway!).
3. Having what promise to be remarkably worthless orientation sessions today (library orientation, writing center orientation) marked on my schedule as "MANDATORY."
4. Not having any reasonable clothes for the big dress up beginning of the year reception tonight.
5. Wanting to go back to bed when I have been up for less than a hour.
6. My constantly smudged glasses.

These things rule:
1. I got three of the four classes I want (this sort of sucks also, though, because I did not get my perfect schedule in which I would only have to be on campus Mon-Wed and never before 10:30am)
2. Entemann's coffee cake for breakfast
3. Having my head feel so much lighter with only a couple of inches chopped off my hair.
4. The promise of a big financial aid check sometime next week.
5. Already having a job interview
6. My new cell phone, which remains charged for more than 5 minutes at a time and is very swanky looking (and you can write your own ring melody on it, something Mark has forbade me to do).

Things that make me content:
Jeans and skirts or dresses in combination, whether worn by a fashionista or a small child
The feeling of stretching when you first wake up in the morning
Water from water coolers
Orderly labeled files

This morning has a very Sunday kind of feel about it. Mark is off walking Chance; when he gets back we'll go on an errand run (grocery shopping, Target, etc.) Then later we have a play date with Chance and Tosca, and Mark wants to make a Sunday fried chicken dinner. What could be better?

The only problem is that my neck is hurting like a mofo again. Dammit. I am trying to figure out if it's better with my hair up or better with my hair down, but I think it would be better with my hair off completely.

My interest in actually doing the reading for my classes next week has dwindled to sort of a sad trickle. I did the reading for my Monday night class, but haven't cracked a book for any of the others, and it doesn't look like there will be tons of time to do that today. Oh well, at least I had four weeks at the beginning of the semester of pretending I am a dedicated student.

I wonder if anyone is reading this thing? I kind of feel sorry for them if they are--it is so rambling and so very uninteresting.

Someone on the Ms. boards called me inauthentic the other day. Is inauthentic even a word? I felt like an imposter Van Gogh painting or something.

Today's shopping delimma: Does (fruit flavored) nonfat yogurt WITHOUT artifical sweetners in it exist? If so, why can't I find it?

Things that say Sunday morning to me:

The Sunday Times
Waking up with the sun streaming on to your bed
Sitting around in pjs or whatever passes for them for hours before you take a shower
A long slow stretch and the feeling that although you should probably do something productive, you don't really have to
The church bell down the street

Things that are far more annoying than they ought to be:

Misquito bites on the tips of your elbows
Your freaky jazz musician neighbor assuming that if you let the dog out, you're up, therefore playing the worst music in the world quite loudly is fair game
Not being able to get at the coffee cake crumbs at the bottom of the bowl with my fork
The length of time it takes Mark to shower
The Chance-hair-plus-Grace-hair-plus-dust build-up on our floor

I am stressed. I am not enjoying it. I have that water-rising-above-my-head-too-much-to-do-not-enough-time feeling. SO perhaps a to-do list will help. Perhaps it is just a waste of time, but I'm done for the night either way, and I'd like to be able to sleep, so here goes:

Annoyingly long list of things I need to do in the near future:

1. Work all day Thursday
2. Go to POWER domestic violence event Thursday night
3. Work Friday 10-2
4. Meet with internship coordinator Friday at 2:30
5. Read 4 chapters and an essay for policy development, then check out a webpage, then email my group with my thoughts. Do this by Friday.
6. Draft a memo topic for public financial management by Monday.
7. Do my economics problem set, at which I have not yet glanced, by Wednesday.
8. Read three articles for Regulation of Gender, email Aditi at least once, and do at least three free-writes, by Tuesday.
9. Read Lessons from the Intersexed, or at least get a good start on it, this week.
10. Do my economics reading for Wednesday (two chapters).
11. Do my PFM reading for Monday, then for Wednesday.
12. Wash the filthy floors in my house.
13. Do laundry.
14. Write a 500 word essay about my dreams and how I plan to achieve them in order to apply for some scholarship I don't remember the name of. Due 10/21.
15. Get together some care packages for some folks who I know could use them. Get these in the mail by Monday.
16. Wash the dog. He is filthy.
17. Make something to take for lunch next week.
18. Finish reorganizing/cleaning out the office.
19. Make an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get my cervix scraped and see if I still have pre-cancerous growths there.
20. To to Pier One and scout out things for my relaxation kits.

I could go on, but I won't. It isn't helping, and I sound so damn whiny. The upshot is that I have lots to do, mostly stuff I don't want to do, and I am afraid the stuff I really think is important, some of which I didn't even list, now that I look at it, will fall by the wayside.

I have to get used to never being finished. That is what school is all about. There's always some project, some reading, some writing, something you should be doing. It took me two years to get used to that in undergrad. I had no idea I would forget so quickly.

I want to hang out with Susan this weekend. I want to watch the Red River Shoot-out (it's the game of the year!). I want to go to the one-night-only mother and daughter themed play at the Blanton. I want to go see the Warhol exhibit before it goes away. I want to take a bath and read the new Bitch that came in the mail today.

But something has to give.

Love your body day:

I love my body because my skin and hair feel nice to my touch
I love my body because it allows me to adequately enjoy baths
I love my body because it allows me to see, to hear, to smell, to touch
I love my body because of the way it feels to stretch out in bed in the morning
I love my body because it is a vessel through which I can play with my dog
I love my body because it gives me sexual feeling
I love my body because it has round parts and narrow parts and identifies me as female
I love my body because I am a fast typist
I love my body because of the ultra-comfortable feeling I get after a great meal or a couple of beers
I love my body because it can dance and sing, not well, but joyfully.

Why do you love your body?

I am sleepy.

There is no good reason I should be--it's been a relatively lazy day. I did get up reasonably early and go to Costco, but then I napped and just hung out and edited my final paper for policy development, ate yummy dinner and sat around watching the Two Towers DVD. I love Saturday.

I also love that classes are over for many weeks. If I also didn't have to work, I'd really be stoked, but I need the money and they need the help, so I'm on for three days a week while I'm in town. That should still give me enough time to write my PRP paper and learn calculus for the qualifying exam. Really.

Before any of that, though, it is Christmas baking time. That was the major purpose of my Costco trip today--baking supplies. I got most everything I need (economy sugar, butter, etc.), so I think I'm ready to get started. I sat down this evening and wrote a Christmas cards/people to bake for list. I may start tomorrow. Really, though, I should study for my PFM final first.

I just want school to be over. The PFM final is all I have hanging over my head, though, and that's only until Wednesday and I'm really not that worried about it, so I think it's all good.

I wanted to write about Costco:

I am embarrassed that I enjoy Costco so much. By all rights, as a thinking anti-consumerist individual (OK, in spirit but no in practice...), I ought to hate Costco. It's a bastion of more is better, bigger is better. Buy shit you don't need, and buy four times more of it than you could ever use. Brilliant plan. But something about the bizarrely large quantities appeals to me.

For some reason I am drawn to things that are larger or smaller than I think they should be. Miniatures, like dollhouse furniture and baby liquor bottles, and large stuff, like Costco. I wonder where the preoccupation with size comes from?

Anyway, Costco wasn't as bad as I expected it to be today. Going there on a Saturday morning a few weekends before Christmas was not a brilliant plan, but it worked out OK. I'm in list mode, so here's what I bought:
-Two Towers DVD
-holiday cards (they are peace-oriented and non-holiday specific)
-NY strip steak
-pesto
-almond poppyseed muffins
-brown sugar
-white sugar
-chocolate chips
-butter
-Oreos
-Cheerios
-a six-pack of colored bell peppers
-granola bars
-peanut butter (it comes in packages of two regular sized jars now, which is way cool)
-Ghiradelli brownie mix
-milk (they have organic 2% there, but no organic skim, which is irritating. I couldn't buy skim there anyway, though--I don't drink it fast enough)

Probably more stuff as well, but that's all I can remember.

Fascinating, huh? Aren't you glad you read my blog? I know you were dying to see my grocery list.

You know what is cool? Holographic snowflake tin foil. Very badass. One more thing that I should write off as silly, stupid consumerism, but I just...can't.

Oh well, at least I have something nice to wrap the holiday baking in, right?

I think biscotti and shortbread are the first items up for bids. Maybe gingerbread as well, if I can find a suitable recipe.

From Les, Em, Dana, Dea and Frog

Here's how this works. Frog had a list of 100 statements that she got from Les, who got it from Em, who got it from Dana, who got it from Dea. The list Frog got had some things bolded--those were statements from Ems list that were also true for Les. Anything that was true from Les' list, Frog bolded. Anything that wasn't, she replaced with a statement of her own. Below is my list, based on the one from Frog.

01. I need more time to spend with my grandmother.
02. I sleep too much.
03. I want to make sugar cookies today.
04. I would like to take a hot brick to bed like they did in olden times.
05. I hate being late.
06. I love it when my head has just been buzzed.
07. I like anything that makes me think... Even if it's something I don't agree with.
08. I ate cereak for breakfast this morning.
09. I love toast.
10. I love cordouroy.
11. I love soft sweaters
12. I love email.
13. I love the springtime
14. I love countdowns and awards shows.
15. I wear glasses
16. We're going to visit my aunt in a nursing home on Christmas Eve.
17. I don't know how to knit
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I wish I could speak Spanish better
20. I think it's funny that the Wright memorial flight didn't fly.
21. I want to live near the ocean.
22. I think Conservative Republicans are destroying society.
23. I love Tim Burton.
24. I love going out to dinner with friends.
25. I write thank you notes for everything.
26. I just got out of bed.
27. I sing along to music constantly
28. I wish I could carry a tune.
29. I am sitting at my mother's desk.
30. I nearly always sleep through the night.
31. I need to start brushing my teeth before bed.
32. My grandmother is 93 years old
33. I've never gotten a speeding ticket, though I should have.
34. Most of my family annoys me endlessly.
35. I love to shop
36. I hate the snow
37. I worry about what other people are thinking
38. Mydog is the greatest creature ever.
39. I find myself incredibly funny sometimes
40. I'm named after my great grandmother.
41. I don't know what Carnivale is.
42. I have never seen Carnivale
43. I have at least one scar.
44. I love my car
45. My eye color is hard to discern
46. I always know what time it is
47. I like signing up for classes, but don't like attending them.
48. I hate board games
49. I have kissed a girl--several, in fact
50. I've seen snow before.
51. I can't keep up with multi-handed solitaire
52. I stare too much at this computer screen.
53. I love Pepsi
54. I get impatient with stupid people.
55. I don't understand why people have Caller ID
56. I'd love to drive without idiots on the road.
57. This is way too long.
58. I hate people who don't think for themselves.
59. I like when my friends write me letters and emails, it makes me feel special.
60. I am bad at yoga
61. I love rollercoasters.
62. I love football
63. I can't sing. At all.
64. I offend people with my honesty.
65. I hate Christmas music, especially at the airport.
66. I can't or don't cook
67. I haven't been to the dentist in quite some time
68. I like to talk on the phone
69. I need a Kitchenaid mixer
70. I wish I could find a faith to be part of
71. I love the thought of someone loving me
72. I have four parents, three married, one unmarried.
73. I'm a Pretenders fan.
74. Other people's families make me very nervous
75. I have little patience much of the time
76. I never have enough time
77. I've never had a chocolate chai.
78. I love Gala Apples
79. I think homosexuals should be allowed to get married and that abortion is a right
80. I slept really well last night.
81. I love organic fruit.
82. I appreciate raw cookie dough more than I should
83. I haven't seen enough of the world.
84. I like apple pie.
85. I like open minded people.
86. I daydream a lot.
87. I love snacks.
88. Most of my friends are scientists
89. MMy last few jobs have had nothing to do with what I got my degree in
90. I've never had a surgery as a direct result of my drinking.
91. I make up my own words to songs all the time.
92. I know the words to many hair-band songs
93. I've learned a lot from people who have hurt me.
94. Very religious people freak me out.
95. My only real ex-girlfriend might be dead.
96. Procrastination makes me really nervous
97. I'm a list maker
98. I love being warm
99. I'm a news junkie.
100. I love giving advice

Books I've read recently:
The Red Tent
The Bonesetter's Daughter
Janet Frame's autobiography

Books I have waiting to be read:
The Nanny Diaries
A Moveable Feast
When We Were the Mulvaneys
The Hours
Backlash
Susan Brownmiller's book on rape
Death Comes for the Archbishop
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
You Got to Dance with Them What Brung You

I love the New Year. It seems...open. Like I can start over. I know that is sort of lame and cliche, but I really feel that way.

Things that are good:
Starting a new year with freshly weeded sock and underwear drawers and a gift certificate to buy much-needed new bras.
Taking the dog out to go to the bathroom and 5am and being warm in my sweatshirt.
Curling up on the couch with Mark to watch a movie. Doesn't matter how bad the movie is.
Finding the archaic bit of information I am looking for.
Knowing that there is no real reason I have to get out of bed.

Things that are bad:
Working on New Year's Day.
Disappointing and boring bowl games.
How hard it is for me not to bite my nails.
Running out of toilet paper at 9:30pm on New Year's Eve, knowing nothing is going to be open until Friday.

Here is something I am freaked out by today.

Famous people who are younger than I am
Julia Stiles
all of the Hansens
Britney Spears
Christina Aguilera
Laura Prepon (only two months, though)
Pink?
Christina Ricci
Kirsten Dunst
Jake Gyllenhaal
Justin Timberlake
Jessica Simpson

This weekend's to-do list:
1. Write PRP paper (at least 20 pages)
2. Study for calc validation exam
3. Order computer?
4. Make lentil soup
5. Take Chancey to the park
6. Set up new printer?
7. De-clutter office and organize shelves
8. Vacuum
9. Get bird feeder for O.
10. Pick up poop in the yard
11. De-clutter bedroom table
12. G. write thank-you note to M.'s parents for Christmas present
13. M. writ thank-you note to G.'s parents for Christmas present

The likelihood of me getting even half of this stuff done...? Well, it's 11:30 on Saturday morning, I've been out of bed for about 15 minutes, and I'm posting the list here rather than crossing anything off. What do you think?

Well, we made a valiant attempt. Here's what we actually accomplished:

1. 18 pages on the PRP paper
2. No studying calc
3. Vague conversations about ordering computer
4. Made lentil soup
5. Played with Chancey in the yard
6. Set up the new printer
7. De-cluttered office and organized shelves, as well as putting up new stuff on the walls
8. Didn't vacuum because we have no bags
9. Didn't get a bird feeder
10. Didn't pick up poop
11. De-cluttered large bedroom table, Mark still hasn't done his nightstand
12. Didn't write any thank you notes

All in all, not terrible.

I'm realizing, as I do periodically, that I am guilty of great financial mismanagement. Surprised? Didn't think you would be. Mark and I are overspending our joint account every month and having to keep it alive with mid-month transfers, and I'm not sticking to my weekly allowance (or even getting my weekly allowance out of the bank). It's all falling apart. Christmas does that, I supposed. Anyway, I need to look at the numbers and develop a new plan, pronto. Now that the holidays are over and I really don't need any new clothes until summer sets in for real, I should be able to decrease my weekly spending. As far as decreasing our joint spending--I'm sort of at a loss as to where that money is going. Well, not totally at a loss--it's going to the grocery store. We have GOT to spend less on groceries. It's fucking ridiculous.

Anyway, that's my project this morning. Figure out the financial crap. Then it's off to work for the afternoon. Yippee.

1. Lay down and not be able to sleep--multiple hours
2. Give up and get up.
3. Try to get the Internet to work--1 hour.
4. Decide that Rice Chex are suitably bland and I can eat them--15 minutes.
5. Throw up.
6. Watch soap operas.
7. Throw up.
8. Finally get the Internet to work.
9. Wonder if it is humanly possible for me to throw up again.

That's pretty much where I am right now. How's your day?

Signs I have seen in the last 24 hours that I am probably going into a manic cycle:

1. I got my hair cut for the first time in six months
2. I spent $100 at Target on Valentine's Day crap, and I have grand plans of turning it into cute little Valentine's packages to send out to friends and family
3. I'm not cold
4. I had class for 1.5 hours and had to leave twice because I couldn't sit still
5. I talked throughout the entire class, using lots of phrases such as "this pisses me off..."
6. I'm seriously considering taking the dog for a run
7. I dyed my hair once last night and am wondering if I have time to do it again this afternoon
8. I'm not hungry
9. I drove really fast everywhere I went today, even though it is raining
10. I have a craving for very loud music

So here's the thing. I'm not bipolar, at least not that I know of. However, I have very obvious up and downswings, and this is the first time I've gone up in months. I've been tired and lazy and semi-depressed since before Christmas. Is this better? Well, if this is just a bizarre beginning rush and it's going to even out, then it's definitely better. If not, though, it's not. Depression sucks, but at least I don't get into fights and spend money when I'm headed the other direction.

Does this happen to anyone else, or is it just me?

And we'll gather all our arms can carry,
I have lost to February.
Dar Williams, "February"

february stars
floating in the dark
temporary scars
february stars
Foo Fighters, "February Stars"

You said that this is crazy, you're a half a world away
Well I'm sitting and I'm thinking but I didn't know what to say
So I said something I can't touch, I always want way too much
Anyway
Goo Goo Dolls, "Two Days in February"

But February made me shiver
with every paper I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step
Don McLean, "American Pie"

Shall we remember
December instead
Or worry about February
Mourn our war-torn dead
Never seeing red
Pet Shop Boys, "My October Symphony"

Gee, do you see a pattern?

By no means a complete listing, just a few to think about.

It won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever
And though the night seems long
your tears won't fall forever
Jane Siberry, "It Can't Rain All The Time"

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through
Skid Row, "I Remember You"

well there is no time there is only this rain
there is no time, that's why I missed my plane
Greg Brown, "Two Little Feet"

There's rain down in the alleys
Rain down in the street
It was raining when we parted
It'll rain next time we meet
And I must, I must be in Oregon.
I know I must be, I must be in Oregon.
Greg Brown, "I Must Be In Oregon"

Buckets of rain
Buckets of tears
Got all them buckets comin' out of my ears.
Buckets of moonbeams in my hand,
I got all the love, honey baby,
You can stand.
Bob Dylan, "Buckets of Rain"

If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you
So though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain
A Ha, "Crying in the Rain"

And she laughed
And she cried
She damn near died
On the day it rained forever
Eurythmics, "The Day It Rained Forever"

This old airport's got me down it ain't no earthy good to me
Because I'm stuck here on the ground, cold and drunk as I can be
You can't hop a jet plane like you can a railroad train
So I'd best be on my way in the early morning rain
Bob Dylan, "Early Morning Rain"

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"

I'm walking, I keep on walking down the street
I'm watching, I keep on searching every place I've been
I love her and now I've lost her, and love's in vain.
I watch her funeral in the rain
Chris Isaak, "Funeral In The Rain"

Someone told me long ago There's a calm before the storm,
I know; It's been comin' for some time.
When it's over, so they say, It'll rain a sunny day,
I know; Shinin' down like water.
Credence Clearwater Revival, "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?"

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you
Eurythmics, "Here Comes The Rain Again"

Broken windows and empty hallways
A pale dead moon in the sky streaked with gray
Human kindness is overflowing
And I think it's going to rain today
Randy Newman, "I Think It's Gonna Rain Today"

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains
Garbage, "I'm Only Happy When It Rains"

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I.
Simon and Garfunkel, "Kathy's Song"

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waitin' for a train,
Feeling nearly faded as my jeans,
Bobby flagged a diesel down, just before it rained,
Took us all the way to New Orleans.
Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"

I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain
Prince, "Purple Rain"

It was the night Rod Stewart played
And we were, were standing in the pouring rain
If I had known it was the last time I would see you again...
I would change everything...
Alanis Morrisette, "Rain"

These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way

And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
Counting Crows, "Raining in Baltimore"

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall.
Led Zepplin, "The Rain Song"

It's always one thing or another, seems like we never get ahead
Reaching out for the brass ring, and landing in the dirt instead
We can't get past yesterday, we're only counting down from ten
It seems like every move we make, brings us back where we began
You've gotta Run Between The Raindrops
If you wanna see the sun
Run, Run, Run, Between The Raindrops
Run Between The Raindrops, if you wanna see the sun
Run, Run, Run, - Run Baby Run
Pat Benatar, "Run Between The Raindrops"

I saw a friend who doesn't know
If I'm his friend just yet
His eyes and mouth were widely open
And his jaw was set
Like he'd fell off a cliff
And hadn't hit the bottom yet
I wish he wouldn't pull those things on me
Without a net
Without a net
I had him up to the house one time
And we was having a real good time
Then he went and lain
His Saddle in the rain
John Prine, "Saddle in the Rain"

The sky is crying,
Look at the tears rolling down the streets.
The sky is crying,
Look at the tears rolling down the streets.
I looked out my window,
The rain was falling down in sheets.
Eric Clapton, "The Sky Is Crying"

But baby it's alright
Break this chain of love and madness
It's alright
Take this rain as your new address
It's alright
Take this rain
It's alright
Take this rain
You're going to be free
Jackson Browne, "Take This Rain"

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window,
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey
Put your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad
It's not so bad
Dido, "Thank You"

I thought I heard you laughing
I never wanted to make you cry
I only needed a reason
To see a teardrop caught in your eye

'Coz loving you keeps me from the storm
When It Rains in America
Sarah Brightman, "When It Rains in America"

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
Blind Melon, "No Rain"

And you know the light is fading all too soon
You're just two umbrellas one late afternoon
You don't know the next thing you will say
This is your favorite kind of day
It has no walls, the beauty of the rain
is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls
Dar Williams, "The Beauty of the Rain"

(Many thanks to Rain Songs a la Carte for the help with this list.)

There is a great quiz here that gives you advice on what cities would be a good match for you. My list is long...and strange. Some of them make sense, but fucking Las Vegas is first! Las Vegas?

My list:
Las Vegas, Nevada
Las Cruces, New Mexico
Portland, Oregon
Little Rock, Arkansas
Sacramento, California
San Diego, California
Orange County, California
Henderson, Nevada
Long Beach, California
Honolulu, Hawaii
New Orleans, Louisiana
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Oakland, California
Los Angeles, California
Shreveport-Bossier City, Louisiana
Corvallis, Oregon
Natchitoches, Louisiana
Salem, Oregon
Riverside, California
San Bernardino, California
Alexandria, Louisiana
Monroe, Louisiana
Eugene, Oregon
Baltimore, Maryland

In honor of the impending holiday of doom, today's play list includes some of my favorite lost love songs:

My lover's gone,
His boots no longer by my door,
He left at dawn,
And as I slept I felt him go
Returns no more,
I will not watch the ocean,
My lover's gone,
No earthly ships will ever bring him home again.
Dido, "My Lover's Gone"

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since u took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since u took your love away
Since u been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whoever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 u
Sinead O'Connor, "Nothing Compares 2 U"

And the years have proved
To offer nothing
Since you moved
You're long gone
But I can't move on
And I miss you-
Like the deserts miss the rain
Everything But The Girl, "Missing"

This borrowed dress --
It doesn't do much for me, but it's doing it's best
This stolen purse --
it's got a bad history, but mine is much worse
I've been down on my knees drunk
While you're out doing standup
You're making love to your punchline, baby

When this just ain't my town
I'm just another luxury liner going down
And I guess we're through
Well lucky you
Heather Eatman, "Lucky You"

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

With or without you
With or without you
U2, "With or Without You"

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Alanis Morrisette, "You Oughta Know"

well we put a thousand miles on that beat up forign car
whenever weather would permit we'd make love under the stars
our happiness completed by being attached and being free
we would each take turns being bobby mcgee
we were headed for salinis, but we hadn't got there yet
some girls you don't remember, some girls you don't forget
Adam Brodsky, "Some Girls"

maybe the moral higher ground
ain't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
done some bad things
i just hope it was okay
i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh
and say it was all worth it
Ani DiFranco, "Hour Follows Hour"

It's Friday the 13th, the rain has turned to ice, and today's play list has a special meaning to me that I'm not going to share. Just the songs. If you can pick out the common thread, good for you.

'Cause I've got a little one who loves me as much as you need me
And, darling, that's loving enough
For a hiking boot mother who's seeing the world
For the first time with her own little girl.
Holly Near, "Started Out Fine"

One night while I was out a ridin'
The grave yard shift, midnight 'til dawn
The moon was bright as a readin' light
For a letter from an old friend back home.

And he asked me
Why do you ride for your money
Tell me why do you rope for short pay
You ain't a'gettin' nowhere
And you're loosin' your share
Boy, you must have gone crazy out there.
Jerry Jeff Walker, "Night Rider's Lament"

Daddy Frank played the guitar and the french harp,
Sister played the ringing tambourine.
Mama couldn't hear our pretty music,
She read our lips and helped the family sing.
That little band was all a part of living,
And our only means of living at the time;
And it wasn't like no normal family combo,
Cause Daddy Frank the guitar man was blind.
Merle Haggard, "Daddy Frank (The Guitar Man)"

I have seen the morning burning golden on the mountain in the sky
Aching with the feeling of the freedom of an eagle when she flies
Turning on the world the way she smiled upon my soul as I lay dying
Healing as the colors in the sunshine and the shadows of her eyes

Waking in the morning to the feeling of her fingers on my skin
Wiping out the traces of the people and the places that I've been
Teaching me that yesterday was something that I never thought of trying
Talking of tomorrow and the money, love and time we had to spend
Loving her was easier than anything I'll ever do again
Kris Kristofferson, "Lovin' Her Was Easier"

It was the third of June, another sleepy, dusty Delta day
I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was balin' hay
And at dinner time we stopped and walked back to the house to eat
And Mama hollered out the back door y'all remember to wipe your feet
And then she said I got some news this mornin' from Choctaw Ridge
Today Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge
Bobbie Gentry, "Ode To Billy Joe"

But I'll hang around as long as you will let me
I never minded standing in the rain
You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'
But you never even call me by my name
Steve Goodman and John Prine, "You Never Even Call Me By My Name"

Predictably.

and i dance to one of your old tunes
with my true love on our wedding day
and your voice sang the way my heart would sing
that finally knew just what to say
Ani DiFranco, "Soft Shoulder"

Love and marriage,
Love and marriage
Go together
Like a horse and carriage
This I tell you brother
You can't have one without the other
Love and marriage, love and marriage
It's an institute you can't disparage
Ask the local gentry
And they will say it's elementary
Frank Sinatra, "Love and Marriage" (AKA the theme to Married With Children)

marriage is impossible marriage is dull
your dance card is empty your plate is too full
it's something no sensible person would do
i wish i was married i wish I was married
i wish i was married to you
Greg Brown, "Marriage Chant"

Choosing saturdays in summer
I dare you to wear white
Love is just a moment of giving
And marriage is when we admit our parents were right
Billy Bragg, "The Marriage"

Marriage is for old folks
Old folks, not for me!
One husband
One wife
Whaddya got?
Two people sentenced for life!
Nina Simone, "Marriage is for Old Folks"

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one
I've been away for so long (so long)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I let you go for so long
It's a nice day to start again (come on)
Billy Idol, "White Wedding"

to you i give my pledge
i honor all that's good
in this life we're living
to think not only of myself
Tracy Chapman, "Wedding Song"

Here are some things I would like to improve about myself:

1. Stop overdrawing my checking account
2. Stop being tied up in the number on the scale but still be committed to losing a few more pounds
3. Have more patience with my dog
4. Stop drinking Pepsi
5. Not have flaky scalp
6. Stop shopping when I'm bored, or when I'm sad, or when I'm happy, or when I'm...
7. Spread more joy
8. Be more productive with work and school
9. Call my parents more
10. Stop flying off the handle and overreacting to things

Small order, right?

Tim Burton
Ethan and Joel Coen
Lee Krasner
Ani DiFranco
John Turturro
Tomie dePaola
Adrian Piper
The Boston Women's Health Book Collective
Robin Morgan
Frida Kahlo
Howard Zinn

I realized today, suddenly, that I am trying to do much too much at once and I am in danger of failing at all my goals due to spreading myself too thin. Here are things I am working on:
1. Diet, exercise, weight loss
2. Stopping nail biting
3. Stopping recreational shopping
4. Finding spirituality

And that is on top of a pretty stressful work and school schedule, and this whole thing about the internship. So I've really been feeling like a failure, as if I'm doing everything half-assed and not suceeding at anything.

So it's time for a new plan. Refocus. I am going to keep working on my spirituality. I am not going to worry about my shopping for the time being, other than to try to keep it generally in check. I'm going to focus on excercise and worry less about caloric intake. I'm going to try to be patient and see where the chips are going to fall in terms of the internship.

Does that make sense, or am I copping out? I feel like I've totally lost perspective...

(Idea from She-Dork)

I always
*brush my teeth in the morning
*overthink things
*play with my hair
*worry about being late
*check my email and blogs and message boards every day
*remember to take my BC pill
*have dirty glasses

I never
*want to get up in the morning
*feel like talking on the phone
*remember to put my contacts in
*know how to say what I mean to say the first time I try
*talk to my dad
*feel like I'm finished with anything

I sometimes
*get migraines
*get sucked into Mark's stupid TV shows
*bite my nails
*yell when I don't mean to
*get carried away

(From Limpet.)

1. John Cameron Mitchell in Hedwig
2. John Turturro as Barton Fink
3. Alison Janney as C.J. in The West Wing
4. Lucy Liu's character in Kill Bill, Vol. 1
5. Any of the characters Tony Bordain bases on himself (that gets me around the "is Tony Bordain a fictional character?" problem)
6. Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands (very, very carefully!)
7. Angelina Jolie as Laura Croft.
8. Angelina Jolie as Gigi.
9. Angelina Jolie as Lisa in Girl, Interrupted.
10. Mercutio.

Things that are good about today:
1. Mark cleaned up the bathroom mold.
2. All of the household chores I wanted to get done are done.
3. I watched most of "A League of Their Own" on cable.
4. I made vanilla cake with strawberries and Cool Whip icing. Yum.
5. We took Chancey to three more new places, which means we CONQUERED the 12-new-places-in-14-days task.
6. Had an appt. with Lee that went well.
7. Got a ton of excercise.
8. Did laundry, so I now have clean socks AND clean sports bras.

All in all, it's been a very good and very productive Saturday. I'm quite tired and my calves are really sore (I walked for a total of about 2 hours yesterday and nearly that today, and yesterday it was in dress shoes), but I feel pretty good. Satiated. It's a good way to end a day.

I realized something odd about myself today. Or maybe it's not odd, it's just not something I've thought much about. I am really attracted to competence. People who are good at whatever it is they choose to do and are confident that they are good at it are a real turn-on to me. How did I realize this? When I caught myself being attracted to our dog trainer, who is at least 15 years older than me and probably 100 lbs or more overweight. He's got a really funny personality and stuff, too, but what it was that struck me was his competence and confidence. It's just so nice to see in people, and so rare. Most of us just go around with our heads down and hope nobody notices how we're muddling along.

Actually, my attraction to competence and confidence came up earlier in the week, too, now that I think about it. Mark getting his NSF grant was a huge turn-on. Which is odd. It makes sense that I'd be happy about it, as it is a huge honor for him and more money for us, blah blah blah. But I wasn't just happy--I found it oddly erotic that he won.

Interesting. I'll have to think about that. I'm not sure I want to be someone who likes winners simply because they won. I don't think that's really the case with Mark, though--I've seen firsthand how hard he's worked and how many times he's been disappointed. This isn't just about his being a winner, it's about overcoming.

And then there's me. I feel pretty confident right now, too. My presentation yesterday seemed to go fairly well, and it apparently had an impact on at least one member of the tiny audience, because she emailed me and wants to talk more about it. My interview went well. Basically, I feel good.

I still have hives, however. The Claritin is keeping them just-barely in check. I take it when I get up in the morning (it's 24-hour, supposedly) and by the next early morning they're back. And they never go totally away--I can still see them, especially on my stomach, they just don't itch. My other allergy symptoms are in high-gear as well--the Claritin doesn't seem to do a goddamn thing for them. It's frustrating.

I shouldn't complain, though. In a month or two it will be a million degrees here and nothing will be alive enough to be allergic to. At least right now everything is green and blooming and changing every day. If I could breathe, I'd actually really like being outside.

Actually, it's not really all that beautiful--it's cloudy and I think it might rain. Still, I made a few observations about where I live while I was walking Chancey this morning, so I thought I'd share:

10 Things I Noticed on my Morning Walk
1. My neighborhood is full of very strange cats. These are large, fluffy cats who like to curl up into balls and sleep in the very center of a damp lawn. I have never seen cats behave this way before, both in terms of getting wet and in terms of being out in the open. And there are at least four of them along our route, all on different lawns.
2. There is one house that has two large vans and three full-size trucks parked in front of it/in the driveway at all times. How many people can possibly live there?
3. Same house as above still has their Christmas decorations up. Not just lights, either--it's a complete display, with Santa Claus.
4. There have got to be more birds here than anywhere else in the world. I'm not just talking about the plethora of grackles, either. There are also a jillion crows, a lot of very fat pidgeons, and a bunch of other birds I can't identify.
5. The mountain laurel is almost done blooming and falling off. Which is too bad, it's very pretty, and it smells like artificial purple (think grape Kool-Aid).
6. Some people on the corner have a giant prickly pear cactus. It stinks and attracts bugs. I had a very romantic view of cacti before I moved here. Now not so much.
7. We met the woman who walks the two French bulldogs in two different spots on our route today. I think she basically goes the same way we do, just in the opposite direction. Her little dog looks like this, her larger one is brindle and looks more like this. She's not terribly friendly.
8. Squirrels are mean little creatures. I like that about them.
9. There is a four-way stop on the major street we walk down, and I see someone run one of those stop signs nearly every morning.
10. The school in our neighborhood must start awfully early, because we walked by just before 8am (or maybe just after...) and all the kids were already inside.

(Title from Ani, idea from Nyarlathotep's Miscellany.)

Things I shouldn't have worn:
1. First day of 1st grade, 1986: Red and black knee-length plaid dress, orange knee socks, pink tennis shoes with strawberries on them, puffy maroon jacket.
2. Second day of 1st grade, 1986: light brown velour sweatsuit, made by my mum, with a red apple with my name embroidered on it over the left breast.
3. First day of 5th grade, 1990: Acid washed jeans with fake leather running down the outer legs and in the insides of the pockets, knee-length purple Hypercolor tshirt.
4. My sister's high school graduation, 1991(?): short purple jacket with black buttons and black trim, purple and black striped tiered skirt, flesh colored nylons, black plastic ankle boots with silver buckles.
5. First day of 7th grade, 1992: black and white striped shirt, tucked in and poofed out from jeans, blue silk tie with roses on it, purple wool beret. Actually, any time I wore that beret.
6. First date, 1993 (Jurassic Park, how romantic): high-waisted blue jeans, white t-shirt, blue batiked suspenders.
7. Away volleyball game, 10th grade: blue striped spandex-y minidress, ginormous silver cross.
8. High school graduation picture, 1997: Union Bay overalls, green striped Union Bay t-shirt, green Converse One-Stars.

For no reason other than it will make me feel better, I am going to subject you, faithful blog reader, to a rundown of everything I have to do in the next three weeks:

this Saturday-Monday: go to D.C.
this Monday (magically, while I am on a plane from D.C. to Dallas): register for next fall's classes
also on Monday, miss a class
Tuesday, 4/27: My best friend's birthday, but I'll probably forget, due to the fact that I have three hours of macro, which I need to read SIX chapters for sometime between now and then. Then I have a break, then I have four hours of my intersexuality class. For the intersexuality class, I have a written critique of someone else's paper due. Oh, yeah, and an article to read.
Wednesday, 4/28: Just class, blessedly. I have about a book and a half to read for class before then, though (I'm telling myself I'll do it on the plane).
Monday, 5/4: Final draft of my 30+ page medical alienation and intersexuality paper due.
Tuesday, 5/5: 10 page paper detailing my "field work" due for my journalism class.
Monday, 5/10: 30 page final research paper on media coverage of rape in the military due for my journalism class
Wednesday, 5/12: Management final
Thursday, 5/13: 15 page management case study due.
Friday, 5/14: Macro final.
Then collapse, then get up a write a talk that I have to give in Chicago on Thursday, 5/20. Then be on blessed vacation for a few days.

Funny. Writing that out made it absolutely no better.

I rock the house. I even rock the Casbah. Here is how much I rock the weekend:

1. 32 page paper on media portrayal of inner-military rape, not started until Friday night and not due until Wednesday night? Done.
2. Brunch with Renee and Sofiya? Attended.
3. Annual LBJ Follies? Also attended.
4. Alcohol consumed? None.

I would like mad props now, please.

I do still have stuff to do--two finals this week (one Wednesday, one Friday), and one of them requires a pre-written essay of a few pages that I will need to at least get started on this afternoon. Still, the fact that I worked my ass off all weekend and actually finished this paper (yes, this is the one I was whining about maybe having to take an incomplete or get an extension on or whatever) not just on time, but ahead of time, makes me giddy. Plus it's actually pretty good, or at least I thought it was last night at midnight or so when I wrote the conclusion. I'm actually sort of scared to go back and look at it now.

I have a running list in my head of things I want to do before I die. It's got to be 1000s of things long by now, and of course I have forgotten a lot of them (and done a few of them). But I've decided I should add them to my blog, for posterity, when I think of new ones.

Things I want to do before I die:
1. See Elvis Costello
2. Actually learn some kind of dance
3. Write a novel
4. Write a children's book
5. Travel to every continent
6. Learn a second language
7. Be a mother
8. Find faith, or have faith find me
9. Learn to knit
10. Live abroad

I am going to write one or many real entries about the wonderful trip I just got home from, but first I desperately need a nap. So, for the interim, I give you My Vacation In Numbers:

Number of sushi dinners eaten: 2
Number of states visited to which I had never been before: 4
Number of modes of transportation taken: 5
Number of hours spent in transport: approximately 20
Number of beds/futons/couches slept on: 3
Number of wonderful online friends met in person: 5
Number of roller coasters ridden: 8

Sounds like a great trip, huh? More details to come...but first, sweet, sweet sleep...

Things I Need To Do
Perform at work.
Start my calculus class.
Refill prescriptions.
Clean up my house.
Do laundry.
Send out belated Father's Day cards.
Figure out my finances.
Buy a desk.
Rearrange the office after I buy a desk.
Fix the table my computer is currently on for outside use.
Procure patio furniture.

Things I Want To Do
Learn how to put bullets in my posts.
Go back to bed. For a few days. Or maybe weeks.
Get a library card.
Send T's package.
Make mixed CDs for various people.
Put pictures in albums.
Shop at book stores.
Read.

You'll notice that nothing appears on both lists? Yep, that's the problem.

-The stupid counseling center would call me back
-My headache would go away
-I knew what I wanted to do with my life
-I could think of a viable career centered around shopping with other people's money
-Someone would individually portion and freeze the lasagna I just made so I don't have to do it
-Mark would shut up
-All misquitos would die
-My ass fit appropriately in clothes
-Someone would run me a bath
-"The Shield" was still on
-We had two cars
-I would improve at Scrabble
-The stupid comedian would get off the TV and the funny comedian would come back on
-I had a new magazine to read in the bathtub
-I could writ